Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Thoughts from LAX Part 2

So at least I've been entertained while I've been sitting here. A woman sitting next to me had her little dog with her. Bless the little guy's heart, he was the only person here all morning with a smile on his face. He was going up to everyone trying for a little love and attention. Then he went under one of the seats and found half of a cookie. Jackpot right? I know. Lucky dog. Of course this sent his owner into action to get the cookie away, which she did. However, she would touch it to through it away. This set off a 15 minute contest to see how many bites of this cookie the little guy could steal. By the time she put him in his little puppy purse, he was looking pretty full.

In case I didn't say before, get to the airport early. You wouldn't believe the amount of people running to catch their flight. You would figure they would learn. I got here early enough that I've gone through security twice. Don't ask.

Anyway, that's it from LAX, see you in Nashville.

JLP

Thoughts from LAX

Nothing says Christmas like standing in line at the airport, and nothing says airport like standing in line surrounded by the aroma of bad breath and body peer. Seriously people, just because you're on an early flight doesn't mean there's no reason to take a shower, or take a mint. I have mints, I'll give you one.


So since I've been here, I've made an observation about our airport security. First, for you travelers out there, shoes go on the belt this holiday season, not in the tray. Second, why put ropes up if your just gonna let everyone go under them. If you are wearing any sort of camouflage, you go to the front of the line, military or not. I just watched as a Middle Eastern looking gentleman was searched and wanded for about 20 minutes. He looked pissed and I don't blame him, he didn't even get a cigarette after.

For all you travelers out there be prepared this holiday season and arrive early for your flight. I got to LAX at 5 am so there were only 2000 people in the southwest terminal rather than the 5000 that are normally here.

Oh well, that's all for now. Happy Holidays everyone, and good luck out there.

JLP

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Merry Christmas from L.A.

A funny thing happened this year. I found my Christmas spirit again. I'm not sure where I had lost it, but I know it's been gone for about five or six years now. I think years of commercialism and watching people who don't really know what Christmas is about, I think that almost ruined it for me. All people seem to care about are gifts... what am I getting for Christmas? The spirit of the season has gotten lost in the 4 billion Wal-Mart and Target commercials on the TV. Not to mention Macy's and every Jewelry store known to man. My mother asked me today what I wanted for Christmas. She says I'm too hard to shop for. The thing is, I'm not hard to shop for, I just don't want, nor will I request a Christmas gift. If you want to get me a gift, it should come from the heart. I don't expect a gift, so I will not request one. I do however, love to give gifts. It's a good feeling to give, knowing you've done something to make some else a little happier. It doesn’t have to even be someone you know. Just knowing you've helped someone in some way. After all, isn't that what the season is really about... Hope.

OK, so I'll get off my soap box now and leave you with this... Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, or whatever applies to each and everyone. This includes my family, friends, significant other, the random person I met at the store, anyone who I may have wronged and may actually hate me, people who have wronged me, to those I don't know, and those I'll never meet, the rich, the poor, to the young, and to the old. Tis' the Season for good tidings and cheer, and I wish the best to you all, and may peace and love be with you.
JLP

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

LORENZO VON MATTERHORN

So, for those of you who watch "How I Met Your Mother," you know what the name Lorenzo Von Matterhorn refers to, and for those of you who don't... that's for the best. So what does this mean? Well today I assisted a friend and college in setting up his own Lorenzo Von Matterhorn scheme. No this is not illegal, but it is highly immoral. OK, so for those of you with no idea what I'm talking about. the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is a pick up move that a man uses on a woman. It involves making her think he's rich/famous/all of the above, then having a set of websites that confirm the elaborate story you've just told. Of course the name Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is now too recognizable and a new name had to be chosen, and no I can not give that name for fear it would ruin his chances of success. See here's the thing, I'm in no way in favor of lying or game playing to pick up the opposite sex. I am, however, extremely curious to see if this can work. At the very best, it could be the greatest crash and burn story ever. Either way, I'll keep you posted.

JLP

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My First LA Murder

So I got to experience my first murder in LA today. No, it's not what you think, I was not directly involved. It did cause quite a headache trying to park this morning. As I turned onto Cochran Street I noticed a CBS van in front of my office. As I drove down further, I noticed the rest of the street had been taped off and I couldn't get to the parking lot because, well ever news station in LA had set up shop in the street. Plus, there were about three medical examiner's cars in the way. Of course this was all about a hundred yards from my office.

I know, I know... what happened Jeff? Honestly, all I can tell you is what the news guy told me. It seems a woman in police protective custody was stabbed to death with cops literally a few feet away. The murder snuck into the woman's apartment while the cops were sitting outside in their car. When they finally realized what was happening, they shot the suspect dead. The woman, however, died of her wounds. http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-mid-city-ois,0,517517.story

To me this raises the question, "was it really that bad?" I mean I've had my share of bad relationships. I've even dated a few crazies in my time. But I've never thought, "I wanna climb into your bathroom window from the roof, so I can stab you." Anyway, so I've gotten robbery and murder out of the way. Hopefully that's it for a while.

In other news, I spent last night enjoying improv comedy at the Comedy Store on Sunset. For those of you who were there, you know what I'm talking about, for those of you who were not (and live in LA) you should really check these guys out. It's well worth your time. Visit www.laconnectioncomedy.com and www.inrareformcomedy.com for more information.

So that's all I got for today. For you Road Home fans, looks like the DVD should be available this holiday season. Can you say "Stocking Stuffer." I'll keep you informed. Until next time.

JLP

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Long Live Franken Berry

Too long has the mainstream media kept a brilliant man and cereal like Franken Berry down. Sure, he doesn't have the market ability of Count Chocula, are the attractiveness of a Boo Berry. In fact, Franken Berry is really a chud (look at that forehead). What he does have is a delicious and unique cereal. Seriously, who else has strawberry flavored cereal. And if you were lucky enough to be alive in the 70's, it might have even turned your skin pink. I know Chocula is, well chocolate and he's a vampire. Lets face it, thanks to those douchey Twilight losers, vampires are the all the rage right now. All I'm asking is where's the heart? Just because because he's not as sexy as a vampire, or cute like a ghost, he gets treated like Lennie Smalls. Kill one young, attractive woman, whatever. I say Franken Berry is the man, and if anyone has a beef with that, they can go eat some over hyped Count Chocula and the Strawberry goodness to the rest of us.

JLP

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Knott’s Scary Farm

Sorry folks, no story today. I had a trip to Knott’s Scary (Berry) Farm. It was cool, reminded me of the good ole days of Opryland. Why have you forsaken me Opryland, why? I guess tomorrow I’ll cook up something extra special for you all.

JLP

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Omens

My Mom’s side of the family all comes from the Crossville area and a little place called Pleasant Hill. My other grandfather has many stories from the Cumberland Plateau. One he used to tell I’ve actually heard from several members of my family.

He was around eight or nine years old, and the area was completely rural. This was still the 1930s and most of the men in this area worked in a nearby mine. Every day, a wagon would come around, and all of the men would get on the wagon and it would take them to the mine for work. Side note: It seems rural 1930s had better public transportation and ideas on car pooling then we do now. I swear the human race is de-evolving. Anyway, as the story is told, one afternoon, my great aunt heard the wagon returning from the mine early. However, when she looked outside, there was nothing there. A few hours later the wagon came, and so the chalked it up as maybe she was hearing things, but the next day, the same thing happened. She heard the wagon come down the road, bit when she looked outside, nothing. This time she became scared, and later that night, when her husband finally returned, she met him at the door crying. He assured her that it was nothing, and that everything was fine, but sure enough, the next day, she heard the wagon again. Almost too afraid to open the door, she worked up the courage to look outside. This time, however, she was shocked to see that the wagon was actually outside. The driver ran up to her, there had been a cave in at the mine, and her husband had been killed. As she approached the wagon, she saw his lifeless body lying in the back. To her dying day, she said she knew something bad was going to happen, and lived with the guilt of doing nothing.

Throughout the south, there are many ghosts that appear as omens, just before something happens. In west Tennessee there is tell of a white dog that appears just before bad luck befalls the person who saw the dog. In the South Carolina Town of Pawleys Island, usually before a Hurricane, the ghost known as the Gray Man appears to warn people to flee to safety.

The Gray Man is said to be the ghost of a young man who was returning home after being away from his fiancée for several months. Arriving by ship in Charleston, and then traveling north to Georgetown, his stage stopped for the night at an inn. Knowing that he was only a few miles from his love, the man acquired a horse and set off into the night hoping to make it home before morning. However, his eagerness misguided him as he some strayed from the road to try a short cut through the marsh. It was here the young man’s horse fell into quicksand, killing both horse and rider.

Devastated by the death of her love, the young woman took to walking the beach in an attempt to cope with her broken heart. One summer day, a man dressed in all in gray, approached her on the beach. She immediately recognized him as her dead fiancée. He told her that she was in danger and needed to leave the island, and then he vanished. The young woman and her family soon fled to the mainland. That night, a hurricane hit the coast, nearly destroying everything on the island. The family home of the young woman, however, was spared.

The first recorded sighting of the Gray Man was in 1822, days before a hurricane hit Charleston, killing over 300 people. In 1893 the Gray Man appeared to the family living in the home of his former fiancée. The family fled the island, days later the Sea Islands Hurricane hit, killing around 1,500 people. In 1954, he appeared again to a couple honeymooning on the island. He warned them to leave the island. Soon after, hurricane Hazel struck, killing 95 people. In 1989, he appeared again, just in time to warn a family just two days before hurricane Hugo struck killing 76 people and causing $10 billion in damage. When seen, the Gray Man is seen, the homes of those who have seen him, are spared.

JLP

Monday, October 26, 2009

Browington and the Wampus Cat

My dad’s side of the family has long been settled in the community known as Browington Tennessee. In fact, if you drive through, you’ll notice the Parks name on lots of roads. Several legends and stories come from this area. One of which is the Marble Plains Baptist Church. The Church, which is only yards from the entrance to the Tim’s Ford State Park, is the source to one of the most horrific stories I’ve heard, and it’s true.

In the early 1900s, during a Sunday service, a man named Dwight Denkins decided he had had enough of being the community outcast. He barricaded the front doors and boarded up the back doors. He then proceeded to see the church on fire. Due to the fact that the widows were too high off of the ground, and the doors were sealed shut, everyone burned alive.

Now of course, this is a terrible story. However, that’s not the end of it. The church was rebuilt exactly as it had been; on the exact same spot it was located before the fire.

If that weren’t enough, years later, the church was remodeled. A new entrance was added and a large kitchen was constructed on the back of the church. The only problem, there was nowhere to add these additions as the cemetery was too close to the church. So, in a move worthy of the movie Poltergeist, the additions were built on top of the graves. Supposedly some of the graves were moved, however, you can clearly see old headstone built into the foundation of the kitchen attached to the back of the church.

The Browington area is also the location for the story my grandfather told me about the time he, his brother, and a man named Carol Lewis were in the woods Raccoon hunting. Avid hunters, the men had been on this same hunt dozens of times. Of course like all of these hunting trips, at some point in the night, there is a lull of sorts when the dogs are off doing their thing. It’s at this point that my grandfather and his cohorts decide to sit, and have a drink. On this particular night, they didn’t get the chance. No sooner than they sat down, they heard the dogs barking wildly, and then they heard the dogs running toward them. As the dogs sped past without stopping, they heard something else. It was much louder and bigger than a dog, and was moving through the trees and the brush very fast, much faster than the dogs. Suddenly a terrible odor filled the air as whatever has coming toward them let out what has been described to me as a “very unnatural growl.” Without another thought, the three men were off running back toward their truck. Behind them, whatever it was was getting closer. Finally, they got to the truck, climbed inside and locked the doors. Minutes later, the creature arrived and began climbing on the truck shaking and clawing it violently. After a while, whatever it was gave up, and went on its way. The men stayed in the truck till sun up.

The next morning, they climbed out of the truck to find the vehicle covered in deep claw marks. The terrible smell lingered also. Around the truck were tracks left by the animal. It appeared from the tracks that whatever it was, it stood upright, and only had three toes or claws. The claw marks on the truck also showed only three claws. Under the truck, the men found there dogs, too scared to come out, but otherwise unharmed. To this day, ask my grandfather what attacked them that night, the only words from his mouth are, “Catty Wampus.”

The “Catty Wampus” or “Wampus Cat” as it is more commonly known by is a creature of legend in Tennessee and around the southern states. Said to be a creature from Cherokee Indian lore, there are tons of reported incidents that have been blamed on the creature.

JLP



Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Witches Grave

Growing up in Lynchburg, you get to hear and experience a lot of unusual things. I personally have never seen a ghost, or anything I have ever perceived to be a ghost. My older brother on the other hand, has seen a lot of strange things on several occasions, like the shadowy figure that floated through the bedroom and closed the door on him at my grandmother’s house. Someone once told me that certain people are more in tune to see these kinds of things. I do believe in ghosts, and for most of my adolescent life I had heard of one in particular in the neighboring town of Tullahoma. Off of Highway 55, behind the National Guard Armory lies People’s Cemetery.


It is here that the “Witches Grave” is supposed lie. All of my friends in Middle and High School would tell me how they would go there and walk around grave and chant her name and crazy things would happen. I’ve heard of cars starting on their own, crazy lights and orbs chasing people from the area, the wind swirling up and blowing so hard that people could stay standing. Once again, I’ve never seen any of things and I had never actually seen the witch’s grave until my third year of college. It was this year that I was writing for the school paper and decided to write an article about ghosts and legends across the state. Of course, being the good little anthropology student that I was, I had to do some research. So one weekend, while I was home from school I decided to visit the witch’s grave.

I knew I had found it immediately. It was a three foot tall stone pillar with two smaller grave stones on each side. Candles had been burned on the grave stones and it was obvious lots of people had visited the site due to the amount of wear around the area. I spent about an hour at the location waiting for something to happen, but of course I got nothing. So like the true man of science I am, I decided to go to the local library and see if I could dig up any information on both the legend and the facts of the witch’s grave.

I learned legend said that the grave belonged to a woman named Kitty Kathy, and she was said to be a witch who lived near Normandy in an old shack. It was said she was responsible for a string of missing children that plagued the area in the 1960s. When she died, she was buried at People’s Cemetery and her old shack was torn down. The grave draws a cult following of pagans and wiccans who are said to perform séances on the grave.

The only facts I was able to gather showed the set of stones belonged to a Romanian Family who moved to the area in the 1890s. The person known as Kitty Kathy, her grave is actually one of the smaller stones and there is no evidence that anyone buried there was ever a witch. However, I did find strong evidence that they may have been gypsies that immigrated to the area before the turn of the century to avoid persecution.

So no proof either way... I have been to the grave site once since, a couple of years ago and the large pillar has been torn down and stolen or thrown away. The used candles and coins were still there, telling me that the witch’s grave appears to still be business as usual. For me, if I were in Tullahoma, I would travel a bit further down Highway 55 to Concord Cemetery to visit the grave site of Sadie Baker, whose ghost is one of the state's oldest known, and has been seen on many occasions sitting at her headstone playing with her dolls. Until next time…

JLP



Ghost Stories

I was watching Paranormal Activity last night and it got me thinking about ghost stories. Growing up in the south, especially in my family, one thing you learn very early in life are ghost stories. I thank both of my grandfathers for this gift, and have decided this Halloween to pass some of these stories on to you.

Most Ghost stories in Tennessee are well know, the Bell Witch, the Chapel Hill Train and tons of others. Today, I want to tell you a story my grandfather told me. It seems one night, coming home from coon hunting (which is my grandfather's way of saying he got drunk), my grandfather decided to take a short cut through Duboise Hollow just south of Huntland Tennessee on the Alabama side of the state line. It was 1957, and at this time no one lived in the Hollow, the road was only cut through by loggers who had been working the area. It was very late, and though he wasn't sure of the time as he didn't have a watch. As he drove down the old gravel road, he saw someone walking ahead, in the distance. At first, he thought he was seeing things, after all, he was extremely tired, and who would be walking out here at that hour. As he got closer, he realized that not only was he not seeing things, but also it was a woman. He described her as being in her twenties and very pretty. He said she was wearing a fancy blue dress and looked like maybe she had been to a party or something. Of course being a good Christian man, he decided to see if she needed help, so he stopped, opened the passenger side door to his 1952 Chevy pick-up and asked her if she needed a ride. Without saying anything she climbed in and closed the door. Now something else my grandfather told me was that she was very pale, and shivered like she was ice cold. This was odd to him because it was the middle of June. He turned on the heat for her and tried to ask her is she was alright, but he got no response. Finally, as he neared the end of the road, were it reconnects with highway 65, he said she began to shake. as he got closer to the highway, she began to scream, louder and louder until finally, his wheels hit the black top. Then she was gone. Of course, the language my grandfather uses to tell that last part, isn't really fit for this story, so I'll just say, that I don't think he was making it up.

Years later, they started to build houses up the hollow and the gravel road got a blacktop face lift, a body was found. It was the skeletal remains of a woman. In the shallow grave were the body was found, was remains of blue silky fabric. The Alabama State Police labeled her "the lady in the blue dress" and her identity was never discovered. Forensic evidence led them to believe that the body had been there since at least the early to mid 1950s. As for my grandfather, there was never a doubt in his mind that the lady in the blue dress was his passenger that late night in June 1957.

JLP

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A Day with Swine Flu

So it seems I’ve been sent home for being sick and fear that it could potentially be H1N1. Lets back up. So Monday, one of the guys I work with came in and was really sick. He said he had a sinus infection. So, he doesn’t come in the next two days, so we all think that’s a pretty bad sinus infection. Anyway, in the mean time, yesterday I develop a slight cough, nothing major considering I slept with the window open the night before. Of course, by the time I got to work this morning, I get that flushed feeling, and the cough seems to be getting worse. Then I’m in formed that the guy who’s been sick, actually has the flu, and possibly H1N1 due to the fact that his nieces and nephews due in fact have it, and he was visiting them on Sunday. Oh, by the way, I think that actually makes me the fourth or fifth person sick this week. All with flu like symptoms.

News from LA. Not much to report. I’ve been writing on a collaboration project. Since it’s a collaboration, I of course can’t give details or comments without all parties involved saying I can. And why would I really, aren’t some things better off as surprises.

So that’s all for this edition, but maybe next time I’ll have some great Halloween mischief to talk about. For now, I’m off to find a doctor.

JLP

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A night at “The Room”

So, I have now seen the worst movie ever made. The thing is, as a man early in my film career, I’ve seen some really bad stuff. However, none of it can top what I saw last night. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself… lets step back.

The movie is called “The Room,” and for any one not living in LA, you may have never heard of it. Anyway, for months now, my roommate, Flippo, has been trying to recruit me into his little crew of loyal Room fans. You see, the movie is so bad, it has a cult following. Every Saturday of every month, at the Sunset 5 in Hollywood, all five theaters show the movie. And it sells out… every month. It seems to have become an event really. The crowd gathers more than an hour before the start, looking forward to the event, which features a Q&A with writer/director/star (if he can be considered any of these) Tommy Wiseau. Some how this guy takes it all serious, which I guess adds to the love the followers of this movie have.

Anyway, so I was fortunate enough to witness this unusual event, and though I truly find the movie and the man an sad joke. I do think the event and it’s followers are brilliant. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, I won’t say anymore, just if you get a chance to to see it… do it. For those of you not in LA, you should still see it, but it’s way better at the Sunset 5, so maybe you should plan your next vacation around having a spoon throwing, neck pulsing, carb eating good time.

Check out The Room at http://www.theroommovie.com/

JLP

Monday, September 21, 2009

Heather’s Birthday

Another Month goes by in LA. And of course, better late than never… Heather’s Birthday! It was fun, I don’t like to brag. Anyway, what adventures have I been up to? Well, I’ve been writing, writing, writing. Actually, I wish I could have gotten more writing done, but life seems to find away of interfering with that. I did however, meet some interesting people at a workshop. I don’t know if it will amount to much, but it’s a start.

So what projects have I been working on? Well, I have the brand new version of “Her Story” that I’m looking forward to getting proof read by the end of this week or maybe next. I am about five pages into a project I have started with Heather, and then there’s the Super Top Secret thing I’ve been working on. Not as much as I’d like, but I have started it. Don’t expect anything for a few months if not longer. Then there  is the sketch piece I’ve been working on. I call it “Youtube Wars,” and it will be the next installment from the 12A Boys. Look  for it on Youtube sometime this October.

Time for your star watch update. That is if Andy Dick and Mathew Lillard are considered stars. Heather and I saw Andy Dick at Wasabee at Universal several weeks ago, and I actually saw Mathew Lillard twice in two weeks. The guy is stalking me, and who can blame him…

So that’s all I got for this time out. I’m Sure there’s more, but I’m tired so deal with it. Till next time,

JLP

Saturday, August 15, 2009

August: The Month of the Comedy Show

So I have a new found respect for my girlfriend (who by the way, is a stand up comedian.) In the past 3 weeks, she has had 8 shows. Now understand I have missed one show since December, so it’s not like I don’t go to these things. However, since I now get up at 5:30 in the morning, the same time that she gets up, I understand not going to bed till like one in the morning can do to you. So hat’s off to her for what she’s been doing for five years.

Speaking of comedy… if you’re on Facebook, you should check out In Rare Form, the awesome improv group that performs every Friday night at the LA Connection Comedy Theatre.

As for LA Adventure, well I did see my first transvestite hooker in Hollywood a couple of weeks ago. By the way, if your a dude, and you want to wear a micro mini skirt, tape your balls up, so that they don’t hang out. Trust me, you’re doing us all a favor.

Also, I was lucky enough to attend the AFI Screening of Funny People with a Director Jude Apatow on hand for a Q and A afterword. I don’t understand the negative reaction people seem to be having toward this movie. It’s an awesome film. It’s not quite 40 Year Old Virgin, but it’s better than Knocked Up.

Star sightings: the most common famous person I seem to run into would be Scott KrinskyScott Krinsky at the Comedy Store , who plays Jeff on the TV show Chuck. This guy has been out making the comedy club rounds, doing a lot of stand up.

Not much more to add this time out, but check in next time for the Heather Horton Birthday Edition. Also, if you’ve not seen it, check out The Cowboy Movie on youtube.

JLP

Friday, June 5, 2009

Welcome

If you're reading this, then you've taken an interest in what I've got going on in LA, so thank you. Anyway... I'm not a blogger, never have been, never will be, but it seems to be the the way to go in self promotion these days. So for those of you that care, I've now been a Los Angeles resident for around six months. You wonder, what exciting things have you gotten into? Nothing. Nothing exciting happens. It's not Swingers, it's a lot of work. It's all I do. But enough bitching for now. Thanks for reading, I'll have more when and if something worth writing about happens.

JLP