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Geez Hostess... All this man wanted was a Twinkie. Don't take that from him. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
JLP Does Conan Jokes
Back in December I did a show at iO West in Hollywood for a packet I put together for the TBS talk show "Conan" (hosted by Conan O'Brien). It was my first time on stage and I was very thankful for those who got a chance to come out and support me and see the show, which included my Conan bit, and two sitcom script readings. Other than the fact no one brought drinks, it thought it was a great night. Anyway, I've decided to share my monologue jokes here on my blog, and I would love feedback on them. If I get a big enough response, I will try to post more each week. We'll see. For now enjoy these jokes from the week of November 14th thru the 20th. (the week before Thanksgiving)
Did you guys see that the new Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn," made $140 million in it's opening weekend. $140 million. This got me to thinking maybe, in our current economy, the government should think about a imposing a vampire and glitter tax.
Speaking of the economy, this Friday is Black Friday, and my mom is already making her plans for 12 hours of shopping, spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that no one in my family really wants. Or as my dad likes to call it, "a small price to pay for a little peace and quiet around here."
Anybody here on Facebook? That may be the dumbest question I ever ask. Anyway, Facebook this week found itself the target of internet spammers who were posting pornography on it's users wall feeds. A spoke person for Facebook says they're working to fix the issue and that most of the porn is gone, but in the mean time they were encouraging users to try out their new "Really Like" button.
The US Immigration Services Office says that many illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the poor US job market. Shortly after, the White House released a statement saying, "Hey, we may not have fixed the economy, but it looks like we found a solution the immigration problem."
The economy in Greece has gotten so bad they've basically had to start over with a brand new government. A spokes person for the outgoing administration stated that they just didn't understand how an economy based solely on the export of humus and yogurt could fall apart so fast.
You guys see that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced? Sources close to the couple said that the split is due to the non-stop fighting. Yeah, the source goes on to say, she was tired of Ashton staying out late hanging with his friends, and he was tired of watching re-runs of "Murder She Wrote." You see, because she's older... whatever, you'll get it on the way home.
Finally, This past Friday marked the end of an era as Regis Philbin said goodbye to his long running TV show. When asked how she felt about her former co-hosts retirement, Kathy Lee Gifford responded, " I haven't felt anything for the last fifteen years."
Thanks so much, and please leave any feedback you have below, good or bad.
JLP
Did you guys see that the new Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn," made $140 million in it's opening weekend. $140 million. This got me to thinking maybe, in our current economy, the government should think about a imposing a vampire and glitter tax.
Speaking of the economy, this Friday is Black Friday, and my mom is already making her plans for 12 hours of shopping, spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that no one in my family really wants. Or as my dad likes to call it, "a small price to pay for a little peace and quiet around here."
Anybody here on Facebook? That may be the dumbest question I ever ask. Anyway, Facebook this week found itself the target of internet spammers who were posting pornography on it's users wall feeds. A spoke person for Facebook says they're working to fix the issue and that most of the porn is gone, but in the mean time they were encouraging users to try out their new "Really Like" button.
The US Immigration Services Office says that many illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the poor US job market. Shortly after, the White House released a statement saying, "Hey, we may not have fixed the economy, but it looks like we found a solution the immigration problem."
The economy in Greece has gotten so bad they've basically had to start over with a brand new government. A spokes person for the outgoing administration stated that they just didn't understand how an economy based solely on the export of humus and yogurt could fall apart so fast.
You guys see that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced? Sources close to the couple said that the split is due to the non-stop fighting. Yeah, the source goes on to say, she was tired of Ashton staying out late hanging with his friends, and he was tired of watching re-runs of "Murder She Wrote." You see, because she's older... whatever, you'll get it on the way home.
Finally, This past Friday marked the end of an era as Regis Philbin said goodbye to his long running TV show. When asked how she felt about her former co-hosts retirement, Kathy Lee Gifford responded, " I haven't felt anything for the last fifteen years."
Thanks so much, and please leave any feedback you have below, good or bad.
JLP
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