The JLP's Weekly Update

Ex-ESPN writer Anthony Federico released an apology on Monday calling a racial slur he made against New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin, "an honest mistake." Federico went on to say, “That’s the last time I ask Brett Ratner for help writing an article."

In Tennessee, a bill dubbed the "Don't Say Gay Bill," passed the state  legislature's education subcommittee last week, which would prohibit the open use of the word "Gay" in all Tennessee public schools. Many in the state are worried that if the bill passes, their kids won't know what to call marching band members anymore.

Recent Grammy winner Kevin Mackie has returned to his job at a Pennsylvania supermarket just a week after his big win. It just goes to show you, Grammys come and go, but a 2 for 1 sale on Grand’s Biscuits won't re-stock itself.

The Republican primary race heats up again this week in Arizona highlighted by yet another CNN debate. Though political experts aren't ready to predict a winner, the loser will, once again, be anyone who watches.

A dock worker was killed in Portland Oregon, this weekend, by falling into a vat of deadly toxic chemicals. In other news, a study in Portland Oregon has proven that falling into a vat of toxic chemicals will not make you a real life super hero.

And finally, a Florida woman is asking for help locating a gun that she lost at a Tallahassee shopping mall Sunday. The woman says she only carries the gun with her for protection, just in case "shit goes down" at the Wetzel's Pretzels.

*The JLP’s Daily News is comedy satire, and should not be taken seriously. No animals were hurt during the writing of this article.

C'mon Hostess

Geez Hostess... All this man wanted was a Twinkie. Don't take that from him. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things 

JLP Does Conan Jokes

Back in December I did a show at iO West in Hollywood for a packet I put together for the TBS talk show "Conan" (hosted by Conan O'Brien). It was my first time on stage and I was very thankful for those who got a chance to come out and support me and see the show, which included my Conan bit, and two sitcom script readings. Other than the fact no one brought drinks, it thought it was a great night. Anyway, I've decided to share my monologue jokes here on my blog, and I would love feedback on them. If I get a big enough response, I  will try to post more each week. We'll see. For now enjoy these jokes from the week of November 14th thru the 20th. (the week before Thanksgiving)

Did you guys see that the new Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn," made $140 million in it's opening weekend. $140 million. This got me to thinking maybe, in our current economy, the government should think about a imposing a vampire and glitter tax.


Speaking of the economy, this Friday is Black Friday, and my mom is already making her plans for 12 hours of shopping, spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that no one in my family really wants. Or as my dad likes to call it, "a small price to pay for a little peace and quiet around here."


Anybody here on Facebook? That may be the dumbest question I ever ask. Anyway, Facebook this week found itself the target of internet spammers who were posting pornography on it's users wall feeds. A spoke person for Facebook says they're working to fix the issue and that most of the porn is gone, but in the mean time they were encouraging users to try out their new "Really Like" button.


The US Immigration Services Office says that many illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the poor US job market. Shortly after, the White House released a statement saying, "Hey, we may not have fixed the economy, but it looks like we found a solution the immigration problem."


The economy in Greece has gotten so bad they've basically had to start over with a brand new government. A spokes person for the outgoing administration stated that they just didn't understand how an economy based solely on the export of humus and yogurt could fall apart so fast.


You guys see that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced? Sources close to the couple said that the split is due to the non-stop fighting. Yeah, the source goes on to say, she was tired of  Ashton staying out late hanging with his friends, and he was tired of watching re-runs of "Murder She Wrote." You see, because she's older... whatever, you'll get it on the way home.


Finally, This past Friday marked the end of an era as Regis Philbin said goodbye to his long running TV show. When asked how she felt about her former co-hosts retirement, Kathy Lee Gifford responded, " I haven't felt anything for the last fifteen years."

Thanks so much, and please leave any feedback you have below, good or bad.

JLP

Merry Christmas

Somewhere along the way Christmas became more about spectacle and one-ups-man-ship than being about celebrating the best we, as humans, have to offer. Case in point, pepper spraying people at Walmart for some bullshit "gift" that will end up in the trash or simply forgotten about in 6 months anyway. I wonder what Jesus would say about the commercialization of his birthday. I wonder how he would feel about taking something so holy and sacred and turning it into a day of greed and gluttony. I don't think this is what he would have had in mind at all.

The best Christmas I've ever had was a year that an ice storm cause the power to be out for 4 days. Every one of my gifts was electronic, but I didn't care. It was Christmas at its purest form, and it was really nice. Now days it's all about the latest igadget or whatever else "the man" tells us we need. I can't help but laugh every time I see one of those ridiculous Lexus commercials on TV. Really, who the fuck can afford to give a Lexus? I guess if you can, you're not reading this article. The problem is, as a society, we see that and now we think that's what we must do.

Maybe for once, we can all just be happy with what we have. Be happy that there are people that care about us. Maybe instead of fighting over an Xbox on Black Friday, we should buy a gift or two for Toys for Tots. Maybe take a weekend and volunteer at a homeless shelter. Or, at the very least, pray for each other, and just enjoy what the holidays bring. I haven't been home for Christmas in two years, yet I don't complain, it is what it is...

Enough ranting, it's Christmas after all... In closing (and not that my words will make much of a difference) this year, stop for a moment and remember that Christmas is a time to celebrate peace and love. It's a time when we, as human being, can live up to our potential, even if it's only for a short time. Remember that it's about celebrating the birth of a man who gave up everything for all of us, and never expected anything in return. A man who didn't were a red coat and have a white beard, or pants. A man who would never shop on Black Friday and doesn't care how old your phone is... In short... a man who loves all of us, despite our many faults and forgives us for bastardizing his name every chance we get. 

Merry Christmas and God be with you all this holiday season.

CAP'N CRUNCH VS SOGGIES - THE EPIC 1986 BATTLE

Remember way back in 1986 when the Soggies kidnapped the Cap'n and we had to call in to the hot line for the clues in order to figure out which door he was behind... only then could he escape. Those were trying times for the Cap'n.

CAP'N CRUNCH VS. SOGGIES: VIDEO 2

THOSE DAMN SOGGIES!

CAP'N CRUNCH VS SOGGIES VIDEO 1

YOU GET 'EM CAP'N!

CELEBATRATE NATIONAL CAP'N CRUNCH VS. SOGGIES DAY

It seems like every day I wake up, look at Facebook or Twitter only to see that I must celebrate some really trivial thing today. Things like, National Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept 19th), or National Chicken Wing Day (July 29th). The list goes on and on. So I ask, since it appears anyone can declare any day a holiday or day of celebration for any cause or item of their choosing. Why can't I declare a day of celebration to remember those who came before us; fighting for truth, justice, and crunchy cereal?

That's right, I hereby declare today, October 12th, National Cap'n Crunch Vs Soggies Day. After all, it was Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch how has devoted his entire life to fighting the evil Soggies, a mysterious race of evil milk people who set out to "sog up" his cereal in the 1980's. If not for our valiant, albeit Spanish Captain, our morning cereal might actually soften in milk, as opposed to cutting up the roof of our mouths.

So, here's to you Cap'n… May you go down in history with other greats of your rank, like: Captains Kirk, Picard, Kangaroo, and Planet. We honor you, with this day of days.

My Review of Moneyball

So, from the title I suppose you've guessed that I saw "Money Ball" last week. Let me start this post by saying that I don't normally write reviews, and I tend to be very opinionated about films, so my commentary can be a little strong at times. For this post, however, I will try to keep it as light as possible, in my attempt to tell you about a very solid film.

For those who don't know, Money Ball is a movie based on a book (Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game), which chronicles Oakland A's GM Billy Beane as he tries to rebuild a professional baseball team with a budget that is probably actually less than what it cost to produce and promote the movie. It's all based on real events, real players... you get the picture. Anyway, at the surface, it's a movie about the economics of pro baseball, and even I was afraid going in that it would be a snoozer. Not so much, it seems, somebody, somewhere remembered at the end of the day, this is a sports movie, and therefore should also be fun and enjoyable. Now for those who read the book, the movie isn't as much about statistics and scouting, though these are the very root of the entire film. Instead the movie focuses primarily on Beane and the A's following their 2001 dismantling due to the fact that they only had an operating budget of $41 million (compared to the Yankee's $125 million). Much like the characters in the film, Money Ball is not a traditional sports film, it's not as much about the baseball on the field (though there is enough of that to keep the purists happy) but more about what goes on behind the scenes, in scouting meetings, locker rooms and front offices.

Of course at its root, Money Ball is a love story. It's a story about a man who is torn between two loves; the love of his daughter and the love of a game that has been his entire life. Don't get me wrong, the stuff about OBP and walks combined with runs per 9 innings and how that equates to wins is very interesting. I think the performances of Philip Seymour Hoffman as Art Howe and Jonah Hill as the fictional Peter Brand give solid performances, as do Chris Pratt and Stephen Bishop. However, it's the "love story" that seals the deal here. Whether the father/daughter relationship is a Hollywood fabrication, or if it's 100% truthful, I have no idea, but the scenes between Pitt and Kerris Dorsey, who plays Beane's daughter Casey, are solid, touching and serve to ground the story in reality.

The subtle beauty of Moneyball

Of course, when you get right to it, this is a baseball movie, and it's Pitt's depiction of Beane's love of the game that really allows this movie to succeed. In some of the best scenes in the movie, Pitt says nothing; he merely walks the stands of the Oakland Coliseum, strolls through the empty locker room, or simply lies in the outfield grass. Anyone who has ever played a sport, or loved a game so much, it's these little things that get taken for granted. I know ever fall, I sometimes catch the smell of fresh cut grass on a cool day and my mind suddenly has a football flash back. Yes, it's this collection of subtle visuals that lift this movie from pedestrian to very good.

I say, if you enjoy a good movie, and want to see something entertaining that should not get an Oscar nod, but probably will because of the people attached; then check this one out. However, if you are a baseball fan, or just a sports fan in general, this is a must see, the story, the performances, the tone of the subject matter combine making this the most earnest sports movie since "Bull Durham," and that's saying something.

JLP

You Can't Give Yourself A Nickname...

No, you probably aren't.

If I could describe myself, I would use words like funny, charming, intellectual, and creative. Never once would you see the words, procrastinate, stubborn, impulsive, or impatient, the words I figure most people use to describe me. You see for me, "describing" yourself is about as vain and douchey as giving yourself a nickname. I have had several nicknames in my life, some I like(d) some I hopefully will never hear uttered to me again. They were all given to my by other people though, never of my own device.

Living in Hollywood, and having to be around people that are constantly selling themselves, trying be a 'brand," I guess I should be used to all of this now, but for some reason I'm not. It's something I find I must do myself sometimes. Though I'm always careful to never cross that line, and trust me, it's a fine line. So, I have created a guide to let you know if you are crossing the line, and stepping into the world of being a sell out or just an outright douche.

• If  you you describe your sense of humor as (insert adjective here), but people just don't get it... Most likely you've chosen poorly. Just because you think you're quirky, or adorable or whatever doesn't mean you are, it just means you want to be. In reality, you could be mean, insensitive, or just plain unfunny and never really know it. Hell, it took me a very long time to learn that my sense of humor is very dry, at least I'm told.
• Anytime you give yourself a nickname.
• If you go out of your way to call yourself a geek or nerd, you're probably not. I know nerd is cool now, but just because you have an iPhone and like Star Wars, doesn't mean your a nerd. Actually, if you were a nerd, you would have a hacked android phone and know why the Millennium Falcon is so much faster than any other ship in light speed (186,000 miles per second) even though they are all going the same speed.Or you might know the best type of crystal to focus a light saber. (correct answer: Kaiburr crystal).



A real geek owns this rare 1977 Star Wars t-shirt, but never wears it.

• If you describe yourself as a "Brand," or in the third person.
• You are either a leader of people or you are not. That's just the way it is. You can't learn to lead, you can't be taught to inspire. Just because you are in charge, doesn't mean people will follow you.

Expect this list to grow with future posts, as this is just the tip of a much bigger issue. In fact feel free to comment with your own if you've got them.  As for today's lesson... Bottom line, be yourself, and if you're funny, you'll be funny, if you're a leader, you'll lead, and if geek, you'll buy all seven versions of the Blu-ray Star Wars box sets that will be coming out in the next three years. 

P.S. this post is not about any one actual person, it's a collection of thoughts I've collected observing many people. So if you get offended by something in this post, I promise, it was not directed at you... though it could mean you probably are a douche.

Short Term - Season 2

So here we go again. Time for a little creative fun with my pals from Short Term. Short Term, for those of you who don't know, is a web series I created with Heather Horton. Season 1 to my relief, was recieved very well by fans and critics alike. Therefore, in case you didn't know, work on season 2 has begun starting with our successful Indie GoGo campaign. Currently, we are in the middle of the pre-production phase, which currently includes writing the six episodes that will make up the new season. In addition, there are several exciting peices being put in place to ensure that season 2 is the best yet. I know what you're thinking, "Jeff, you gotta tell us something." Of course my answer to that is, "No I don't," but because I'm a nice guy, I'll spill some beans right here and now. I am working very hard to get Hugh Jackman in season 2. I haven't heard back from his people yet, but the way I look at it, that's not a "no." So fingers crossed.
I addition to new cast members, season 2 looks to up the anty on production value, writing, acting and use of dolls, to bring you the best comedy web series out there. I promise, you will not be disappointed.
Keep checking in here, or at www.shortterm.tv to get news and updates.

Summer 2010: A Review

This is the closest I've been to the beach all summer.

The kids are back in school, the beaches are less crowded and Hollywood is crying over decline in revenue at the box office, yes, it appears that the summer is officially winding down. As I look back, I take notice of a few things from the summer of 2010. First, I still didn't get to the beach. One of the things Heather and I discussed back in April and May was that this year, we had to go to the beach. We did not. Closest I got was being across the street from the beach while eating at Malibu Seafood on July 4th. Though, I will say this, as an east coast person, west coast beaches kinda suck; too many people. Is there anywhere around were you can go to the beach and actually enjoy yourself? 

Second thing I noticed, there weren't that many great summer movies, or at least movies I was willing to shell out $15.00 bucks a pop for. Thing is, 90% of all movies this year were remakes, reboots, sequels or based on some other source material. What does this mean? There are no original films being made, at least not during the summer months. The only original idea all summer was Inception, which I still have not seen. (shame on me) That's not to say I've not seen some enjoyable flicks, it's just that if I'm going to spend $50 to go to the movies, it had better be something worth the experience, after all, there are way cheaper ways to entertain these days. (thanks Netflix) There's good news Hollywood, I just happen to know a writer sitting on top of a handful of scripts that are sure goldmine ideas. GOLDMINE! (call me)

Other thoughts: I can't get Direct TV, and that blows. Heather and I saw Al Pacino playing mini golf with one of his kids this past Monday. It was about 85 degrees out, and he was wearing a black suit. As Heather put it, he swung the gold club as if he was chopping down weeds. It was trip to watch, until they decided to bolt.

Also, if you want to be entertained... good news, you don't have to watch a Gladiators fight lions to be entertained anymore. For your Amusement I present www.heatherandjeffshow.blogspot.com/. It's the only place on the internet to get the scoop on the real Heather and Jeff (and Swoosh).

That's all I've got for now, till next time...

JLP

Social Media

When is too much just too much? I'm talking about social media, were everybody can find out what everybody else is doing RIGHT NOW! As a society, when did we get to the point that we had to know everything about everything the moment it happens? Honestly, I think it takes some of the fun and mystery out of things. Not only that, it's slightly narcissistic and potentially dangerous. I'll elaborate.

I feel we now live in a society where everyone wants and needs to be famous. The old saying, "everyone gets 15 minutes of fame," doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. It’s an age when people achieve fame for no reason what so ever, the more followers you get, the more fame you can potentially achieve. When you have thousands of followers, yet you have in no way contributed anything useful to society in any form or fashion, and all you can put on your Twitter is, "I just ate tacos, Mmm Yummy," maybe it's time to rethink your life. I guess it just blows my mind that people who have nothing important to add or say, can suddenly have such a loud voice in the world. (See any Kardashian) It's scary really.

Now don't get me wrong, this is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. I actively use many different forms of Social Media, including the big two, Facebook and Twitter. (Used to be the big three, but no one uses MySpace any more, do they?)Hell, this very page is covered with links to my other sites. Just like everyone else, I use these tools to say really ridiculous things, all in an effort to get people to notice what I am doing. The difference here is I'm trying to be useful. I have a purpose; I have a mission other than I want a million followers. (I do not want a million followers). I am a writer who would like to get paid to write. I'm not a blogger or a journalist, (by the way, bloggers aren't journalists and all blogs should be considered opinion, not fact... this one included) I am a fiction writer. I want to entertain, and not by telling you about the dump I just took. (That is something I really posted this week for the hell of it) So I use these tools to get my name and brand out there, hopefully entertaining as I do it. In a world filled with so much competition, I have to do things of this nature to try and stick out above everyone else.

Notice how I referred to these as tools, and not the only thing that makes me socially relevant in life. Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people. I'm not arguing that. Twitter, well Twitter to me is a little more complex because on one hand, there are reasons why it's useful to have a public text message service, on the other hand... why do I need to know everything a person does every second of the day. It's sad, and I'm sad for doing it. Unfortunately, I must. Then you've got things like four square, another thing I’m guilty of doing. If you ever wanted a stalker, this is the app to use, because they will always know where to find you.

Sorry, this blog is more of me thinking about loud. I guess I just don't see how as a society, we've come to this. I think the internet is a great tool, it finally has allowed everyone to have a voice that can be heard. The only problem is no one really ever has anything to say. Not everyone can be famous, no matter what the programming on MTV, Bravo, and Lifetime make you think. If you want to be a household name, do something... tell a joke, tell a story, save a life, play a sport, change the world, and then, do that better than anyone else and you'll get your moment. Just remember, not everyone can… If they could, then no one would be special, and then what's the point. I guess all I'm saying here is, “when is too much, just too much?”

Now if you'll excuse me I need to proof this blog before I post it on my Facebook and Twitter page. Later...

JLP

My Thoughts On The World Cup

With the exception of women's soccer in the 90's, I've never really watched a lot of the sport. So this year's World Cup, though not my first, is the first one I've really ever paid attention to, and I just wanted to take the time to point out a few things that I've noticed so far in group play.

THE US GOT ROBBED: It is true, the US got robbed in what would have been an amazing come from behind victory over the Slovs. However, it is important to point out; the US should have never been that position. As anyone who has ever played sports knows, anyone can win a close game.

THERE ARE A LOT OF DIVA"S IN SOCCER: And you thought American athletes are bad. I have never seen so much internal team fighting in my life. No wonder smaller countries with players you've never heard of are winning upsetting the pot, they play as a team. Soccer Diva's, SHUT UP and play!

TOO MUCH BUZZING: If you've watched a game on TV, you've probably noticed that there seems to be a serious bee problem in South Africa. Every game, no matter which stadium, you can hear them swarming outside. I'm very much concerned for the safety of the people there in South Africa.

I HATE THE FRENCH: Not only did they lose to the Mexicans, but then they scored against the South Africans, preventing them from moving on to the next round, thus, allowing the Mexicans to move on to the next round. Yeah I know, there was a lot of in-house fighting going on with the team, but if you are going to quit, quit.... don't let the Mexicans move on. Do you know how much "Viva la Mexico" crap I've got to hear now? Of course it's no shocker that the French dropped the ball here. That county has a history of under achieving. I've listed my top five list of greatest French defeats.

5) Waterloo - Napoleon's forces lose the decisive battle to the coalition army commanded by the Duke of Wellington, thus putting an end to Napoleon's 100 days return from exile. Maybe had Napoleon stayed out of that phone booth with Bill and Ted, things might have ended differently.

4) World War I

3) The French Men's 2010 football club's performance in the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

2) World War II

1) Lance Armstrong - Much like the Germans, the guy owns the French, and no matter what they do, they can't beat him.

Loss of Glory

Initially I was going to write about my trip home with Heather last week and how it was nice to finally have a real vacation. However, something happened today that actually saddens me the more I think about it. Today, the great John Wooden died. Understand, I don't use the term loosely, and in my opinion this man's greatness has nothing to day with his unbelievable coaching career. No, John Wooden was a great man for all he did off the court, for the little things he did in everyday life. I am saddened by the fact that the death of this great man symbolizes the end of an era. It's the end of the great generation. These are the men and woman who suffered the great depression, brought in the new deal, and fought and won World War II. This is the generation that despite everything, were willing to sacrifice their lives for something greater than themselves. Men like John Wooden, and my grandfathers represent those people. They had a sense of honor that unfortunately is very rare in today's world. Soon all of these great men and woman will be gone, and it saddens me when I look around, and realize that nine out of every ten people I see have no idea what I am talking about. Anyway, I just wanted to say that. Next time I'll get back to the good stuff. Till then, remember those who came before you. After all, if it wasn't for them, you would be sitting where you are today. Oh by the way, hat's off to Heather's family for making being wonderful and making my trip exactly what I needed... mostly.

JLP

End of an era... My 30th birthday

For those who have known me for the longest, you know I don't tend to make a big deal over things, my birthday included. Maybe it's just my laid back nature, maybe it's just because I save those celebrations for things that truly warrant me going all out. I know to some (I'll mention no names), this seems odd and maybe a little sad.


With that said, (and even though I already have) I would like to thank Heather for going to so much trouble for me today. She didn't have to, but she did, and for that I cannot thank her enough. She orchestrated a trip to the IMAX for Iron Man 2, she made dinner, and dessert (side note: If you've never had Heather's Apple Crisp, you're really missing out. Imagine your favorite thing to eat, and then multiply that by 20. Really, it's that good.). Also, she snuck around town and managed to get me several wonderful gifts. None of things she had to do, except Iron Man. Anyway, thank you Heather, if I'd had any stress over the end of my twenties, (which I didn't) you erased them.

Also, thank you to Alex and Emily for a fun night and free passes to mini-golf. I have no chance of ever winning, but it’ll still be a blast. Of course, thank you Kevin and Brad, I hope you enjoyed IMAX Iron Man all up in your face as much as I did. Finally, to all the birthday greetings, and well wishes everyone sent today, I know I already did once, but thank you all again. Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day Momma. You called me, I win. Good night everyone, and here's to you!

JLP

Adventures with Homeless

Here’s an adventure in L.A. for you. So I’m getting some lunch today and for some reason I sit with my back to the door… which I never do. As I’m updating apps on my phone, I hear a voice behind me, “Do you have any money so I can get something to eat?” First of all, I’m having lunch, I don’t like to be bothered by anyone, especially this, second, I don’t carry cash anymore, so I never have any money on me. So I say I don’t have any cash, which they never believe, (Sidebar: I expect the homeless in LA to start carrying credit card machines in the near future) Anyway, No I tell him, no money and expect him to go on his way… but he didn’t. I noticed about a minute later he was still standing behind me. He had a coat or something over his head. It reminded me of a ratty looking Ghost of Christmas Future. Not only that, but this cat didn’t want to be ignored so he started making noises with his mouth. It sounded like he was sucking something from between his teeth. I, however, held strong. I had no intention giving this fool the time of day. Finally after several minutes, he spoke again, this time wanting me to turn around. So I did… mistake. I’m not sure what he said because I was so overwhelmed by the smell of piss. I believe he knew this because he was saying something about soap and baths and putting Nivea on his face. (Sidebar: if he would have asked me for money to buy soap at this time, I would have personally took up a collection) Oh yeah, there was something said about horses. Then he left, which was when I got my first look at him. He was wearing a dress and carrying a purse, which I found to be an odd look for a homeless man. Also, he still had his coat over his head. Maybe he was trying to be a nun or something, or maybe his skin was too delicate, hence the Nivea I guess. Only in LA do you get a cross dressing homeless man worried about his skin.


JLP