JLP Does Conan Jokes

Back in December I did a show at iO West in Hollywood for a packet I put together for the TBS talk show "Conan" (hosted by Conan O'Brien). It was my first time on stage and I was very thankful for those who got a chance to come out and support me and see the show, which included my Conan bit, and two sitcom script readings. Other than the fact no one brought drinks, it thought it was a great night. Anyway, I've decided to share my monologue jokes here on my blog, and I would love feedback on them. If I get a big enough response, I  will try to post more each week. We'll see. For now enjoy these jokes from the week of November 14th thru the 20th. (the week before Thanksgiving)

Did you guys see that the new Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn," made $140 million in it's opening weekend. $140 million. This got me to thinking maybe, in our current economy, the government should think about a imposing a vampire and glitter tax.


Speaking of the economy, this Friday is Black Friday, and my mom is already making her plans for 12 hours of shopping, spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that no one in my family really wants. Or as my dad likes to call it, "a small price to pay for a little peace and quiet around here."


Anybody here on Facebook? That may be the dumbest question I ever ask. Anyway, Facebook this week found itself the target of internet spammers who were posting pornography on it's users wall feeds. A spoke person for Facebook says they're working to fix the issue and that most of the porn is gone, but in the mean time they were encouraging users to try out their new "Really Like" button.


The US Immigration Services Office says that many illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the poor US job market. Shortly after, the White House released a statement saying, "Hey, we may not have fixed the economy, but it looks like we found a solution the immigration problem."


The economy in Greece has gotten so bad they've basically had to start over with a brand new government. A spokes person for the outgoing administration stated that they just didn't understand how an economy based solely on the export of humus and yogurt could fall apart so fast.


You guys see that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced? Sources close to the couple said that the split is due to the non-stop fighting. Yeah, the source goes on to say, she was tired of  Ashton staying out late hanging with his friends, and he was tired of watching re-runs of "Murder She Wrote." You see, because she's older... whatever, you'll get it on the way home.


Finally, This past Friday marked the end of an era as Regis Philbin said goodbye to his long running TV show. When asked how she felt about her former co-hosts retirement, Kathy Lee Gifford responded, " I haven't felt anything for the last fifteen years."

Thanks so much, and please leave any feedback you have below, good or bad.

JLP

TGIF

For the last few weeks I've noticed that my Fridays seem to come faster and faster. I've heard that as you get older, time seems to speed up and the next thing you know, months turn into years. Honestly, I agree with that. Even though I'm still in my 20's (be it the twilight of my 20's), I notice each year passes more quickly than the last. So why should I be shocked when I realized my Fridays seem to happen more frequently than they used too. For me while I was like, "Finally, it's Friday," The sky would part, and music would play. Then last week I realized, "I live for Friday." In fact, I would wager that 90% of Americans live for Friday. Sure, Friday kicks off the weekend, but the faster they arrive, the faster time passes and you know what that means. Of course, I know how this happens, you get caught up in the day-to-day grind of life, you wake up, go to work, go home, have dinner, do some work, maybe watch an hour of TV, then it's time for bed... day in and day out. It's defeating. Of course you can do what I've done the past two weeks and try to do as much as possible, barely sleeping and then walk around like a zombie every day. Then I assure you, Friday will never come soon enough.

In other news, Heather drug me to a wonderful show at the iO West Theater last week. I say, "drug," but I was more than happy to go. The show was Beer, Shark, Mice, an improv troupe starring Mike Coleman, Pat Finn, Neil Flynn, Pete Hulne, David Koechner, and Paul Vaillancourt. Yeah, those guys! Anyway, it was a great show, and their last I was told, so if you missed out, sucks to be you. There's not a day that goes by now were Heather doesn't call me, Text me, or in some way communicate the words: "Hey, there's a dead body over here," to me in some fashion.

So any way, Happy Easter everyone (if you choose to celebrate Easter) and have a nice weekend. Oh, keep an eye out... all I can say is Stickers!

JLP