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The JLP's Weekly Update

Ex-ESPN writer Anthony Federico released an apology on Monday calling a racial slur he made against New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin, "an honest mistake." Federico went on to say, “That’s the last time I ask Brett Ratner for help writing an article."

In Tennessee, a bill dubbed the "Don't Say Gay Bill," passed the state  legislature's education subcommittee last week, which would prohibit the open use of the word "Gay" in all Tennessee public schools. Many in the state are worried that if the bill passes, their kids won't know what to call marching band members anymore.

Recent Grammy winner Kevin Mackie has returned to his job at a Pennsylvania supermarket just a week after his big win. It just goes to show you, Grammys come and go, but a 2 for 1 sale on Grand’s Biscuits won't re-stock itself.

The Republican primary race heats up again this week in Arizona highlighted by yet another CNN debate. Though political experts aren't ready to predict a winner, the loser will, once again, be anyone who watches.

A dock worker was killed in Portland Oregon, this weekend, by falling into a vat of deadly toxic chemicals. In other news, a study in Portland Oregon has proven that falling into a vat of toxic chemicals will not make you a real life super hero.

And finally, a Florida woman is asking for help locating a gun that she lost at a Tallahassee shopping mall Sunday. The woman says she only carries the gun with her for protection, just in case "shit goes down" at the Wetzel's Pretzels.

*The JLP’s Daily News is comedy satire, and should not be taken seriously. No animals were hurt during the writing of this article.

New Beginnings - Short Term Season 2 Premier

C'mon Hostess

Geez Hostess... All this man wanted was a Twinkie. Don't take that from him. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things 

JLP Does Conan Jokes

Back in December I did a show at iO West in Hollywood for a packet I put together for the TBS talk show "Conan" (hosted by Conan O'Brien). It was my first time on stage and I was very thankful for those who got a chance to come out and support me and see the show, which included my Conan bit, and two sitcom script readings. Other than the fact no one brought drinks, it thought it was a great night. Anyway, I've decided to share my monologue jokes here on my blog, and I would love feedback on them. If I get a big enough response, I  will try to post more each week. We'll see. For now enjoy these jokes from the week of November 14th thru the 20th. (the week before Thanksgiving)

Did you guys see that the new Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn," made $140 million in it's opening weekend. $140 million. This got me to thinking maybe, in our current economy, the government should think about a imposing a vampire and glitter tax.


Speaking of the economy, this Friday is Black Friday, and my mom is already making her plans for 12 hours of shopping, spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that no one in my family really wants. Or as my dad likes to call it, "a small price to pay for a little peace and quiet around here."


Anybody here on Facebook? That may be the dumbest question I ever ask. Anyway, Facebook this week found itself the target of internet spammers who were posting pornography on it's users wall feeds. A spoke person for Facebook says they're working to fix the issue and that most of the porn is gone, but in the mean time they were encouraging users to try out their new "Really Like" button.


The US Immigration Services Office says that many illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the poor US job market. Shortly after, the White House released a statement saying, "Hey, we may not have fixed the economy, but it looks like we found a solution the immigration problem."


The economy in Greece has gotten so bad they've basically had to start over with a brand new government. A spokes person for the outgoing administration stated that they just didn't understand how an economy based solely on the export of humus and yogurt could fall apart so fast.


You guys see that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced? Sources close to the couple said that the split is due to the non-stop fighting. Yeah, the source goes on to say, she was tired of  Ashton staying out late hanging with his friends, and he was tired of watching re-runs of "Murder She Wrote." You see, because she's older... whatever, you'll get it on the way home.


Finally, This past Friday marked the end of an era as Regis Philbin said goodbye to his long running TV show. When asked how she felt about her former co-hosts retirement, Kathy Lee Gifford responded, " I haven't felt anything for the last fifteen years."

Thanks so much, and please leave any feedback you have below, good or bad.

JLP

CAP'N CRUNCH VS SOGGIES - THE EPIC 1986 BATTLE

Remember way back in 1986 when the Soggies kidnapped the Cap'n and we had to call in to the hot line for the clues in order to figure out which door he was behind... only then could he escape. Those were trying times for the Cap'n.

CAP'N CRUNCH VS. SOGGIES: VIDEO 2

THOSE DAMN SOGGIES!

CAP'N CRUNCH VS SOGGIES VIDEO 1

YOU GET 'EM CAP'N!

CELEBATRATE NATIONAL CAP'N CRUNCH VS. SOGGIES DAY

It seems like every day I wake up, look at Facebook or Twitter only to see that I must celebrate some really trivial thing today. Things like, National Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept 19th), or National Chicken Wing Day (July 29th). The list goes on and on. So I ask, since it appears anyone can declare any day a holiday or day of celebration for any cause or item of their choosing. Why can't I declare a day of celebration to remember those who came before us; fighting for truth, justice, and crunchy cereal?

That's right, I hereby declare today, October 12th, National Cap'n Crunch Vs Soggies Day. After all, it was Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch how has devoted his entire life to fighting the evil Soggies, a mysterious race of evil milk people who set out to "sog up" his cereal in the 1980's. If not for our valiant, albeit Spanish Captain, our morning cereal might actually soften in milk, as opposed to cutting up the roof of our mouths.

So, here's to you Cap'n… May you go down in history with other greats of your rank, like: Captains Kirk, Picard, Kangaroo, and Planet. We honor you, with this day of days.

Diva Actress - Fad Diets

Thursday Night At The Improv

Great night of comedy at the Improv last night. Highlights included the cast of NBC's Free Agents and a musical number between Jeff Ross and John Legend.

Diva Actress - Type Cast

Diva Actress - The Process

Short Term - Season 2

So here we go again. Time for a little creative fun with my pals from Short Term. Short Term, for those of you who don't know, is a web series I created with Heather Horton. Season 1 to my relief, was recieved very well by fans and critics alike. Therefore, in case you didn't know, work on season 2 has begun starting with our successful Indie GoGo campaign. Currently, we are in the middle of the pre-production phase, which currently includes writing the six episodes that will make up the new season. In addition, there are several exciting peices being put in place to ensure that season 2 is the best yet. I know what you're thinking, "Jeff, you gotta tell us something." Of course my answer to that is, "No I don't," but because I'm a nice guy, I'll spill some beans right here and now. I am working very hard to get Hugh Jackman in season 2. I haven't heard back from his people yet, but the way I look at it, that's not a "no." So fingers crossed.
I addition to new cast members, season 2 looks to up the anty on production value, writing, acting and use of dolls, to bring you the best comedy web series out there. I promise, you will not be disappointed.
Keep checking in here, or at www.shortterm.tv to get news and updates.

Short Term Episode 1 is Out!

After four months of post, Short Term Season One has been released to the masses. Below is Episode 1. Enjoy!

Social Media

When is too much just too much? I'm talking about social media, were everybody can find out what everybody else is doing RIGHT NOW! As a society, when did we get to the point that we had to know everything about everything the moment it happens? Honestly, I think it takes some of the fun and mystery out of things. Not only that, it's slightly narcissistic and potentially dangerous. I'll elaborate.

I feel we now live in a society where everyone wants and needs to be famous. The old saying, "everyone gets 15 minutes of fame," doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. It’s an age when people achieve fame for no reason what so ever, the more followers you get, the more fame you can potentially achieve. When you have thousands of followers, yet you have in no way contributed anything useful to society in any form or fashion, and all you can put on your Twitter is, "I just ate tacos, Mmm Yummy," maybe it's time to rethink your life. I guess it just blows my mind that people who have nothing important to add or say, can suddenly have such a loud voice in the world. (See any Kardashian) It's scary really.

Now don't get me wrong, this is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. I actively use many different forms of Social Media, including the big two, Facebook and Twitter. (Used to be the big three, but no one uses MySpace any more, do they?)Hell, this very page is covered with links to my other sites. Just like everyone else, I use these tools to say really ridiculous things, all in an effort to get people to notice what I am doing. The difference here is I'm trying to be useful. I have a purpose; I have a mission other than I want a million followers. (I do not want a million followers). I am a writer who would like to get paid to write. I'm not a blogger or a journalist, (by the way, bloggers aren't journalists and all blogs should be considered opinion, not fact... this one included) I am a fiction writer. I want to entertain, and not by telling you about the dump I just took. (That is something I really posted this week for the hell of it) So I use these tools to get my name and brand out there, hopefully entertaining as I do it. In a world filled with so much competition, I have to do things of this nature to try and stick out above everyone else.

Notice how I referred to these as tools, and not the only thing that makes me socially relevant in life. Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people. I'm not arguing that. Twitter, well Twitter to me is a little more complex because on one hand, there are reasons why it's useful to have a public text message service, on the other hand... why do I need to know everything a person does every second of the day. It's sad, and I'm sad for doing it. Unfortunately, I must. Then you've got things like four square, another thing I’m guilty of doing. If you ever wanted a stalker, this is the app to use, because they will always know where to find you.

Sorry, this blog is more of me thinking about loud. I guess I just don't see how as a society, we've come to this. I think the internet is a great tool, it finally has allowed everyone to have a voice that can be heard. The only problem is no one really ever has anything to say. Not everyone can be famous, no matter what the programming on MTV, Bravo, and Lifetime make you think. If you want to be a household name, do something... tell a joke, tell a story, save a life, play a sport, change the world, and then, do that better than anyone else and you'll get your moment. Just remember, not everyone can… If they could, then no one would be special, and then what's the point. I guess all I'm saying here is, “when is too much, just too much?”

Now if you'll excuse me I need to proof this blog before I post it on my Facebook and Twitter page. Later...

JLP

My Thoughts On The World Cup

With the exception of women's soccer in the 90's, I've never really watched a lot of the sport. So this year's World Cup, though not my first, is the first one I've really ever paid attention to, and I just wanted to take the time to point out a few things that I've noticed so far in group play.

THE US GOT ROBBED: It is true, the US got robbed in what would have been an amazing come from behind victory over the Slovs. However, it is important to point out; the US should have never been that position. As anyone who has ever played sports knows, anyone can win a close game.

THERE ARE A LOT OF DIVA"S IN SOCCER: And you thought American athletes are bad. I have never seen so much internal team fighting in my life. No wonder smaller countries with players you've never heard of are winning upsetting the pot, they play as a team. Soccer Diva's, SHUT UP and play!

TOO MUCH BUZZING: If you've watched a game on TV, you've probably noticed that there seems to be a serious bee problem in South Africa. Every game, no matter which stadium, you can hear them swarming outside. I'm very much concerned for the safety of the people there in South Africa.

I HATE THE FRENCH: Not only did they lose to the Mexicans, but then they scored against the South Africans, preventing them from moving on to the next round, thus, allowing the Mexicans to move on to the next round. Yeah I know, there was a lot of in-house fighting going on with the team, but if you are going to quit, quit.... don't let the Mexicans move on. Do you know how much "Viva la Mexico" crap I've got to hear now? Of course it's no shocker that the French dropped the ball here. That county has a history of under achieving. I've listed my top five list of greatest French defeats.

5) Waterloo - Napoleon's forces lose the decisive battle to the coalition army commanded by the Duke of Wellington, thus putting an end to Napoleon's 100 days return from exile. Maybe had Napoleon stayed out of that phone booth with Bill and Ted, things might have ended differently.

4) World War I

3) The French Men's 2010 football club's performance in the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

2) World War II

1) Lance Armstrong - Much like the Germans, the guy owns the French, and no matter what they do, they can't beat him.

Loss of Glory

Initially I was going to write about my trip home with Heather last week and how it was nice to finally have a real vacation. However, something happened today that actually saddens me the more I think about it. Today, the great John Wooden died. Understand, I don't use the term loosely, and in my opinion this man's greatness has nothing to day with his unbelievable coaching career. No, John Wooden was a great man for all he did off the court, for the little things he did in everyday life. I am saddened by the fact that the death of this great man symbolizes the end of an era. It's the end of the great generation. These are the men and woman who suffered the great depression, brought in the new deal, and fought and won World War II. This is the generation that despite everything, were willing to sacrifice their lives for something greater than themselves. Men like John Wooden, and my grandfathers represent those people. They had a sense of honor that unfortunately is very rare in today's world. Soon all of these great men and woman will be gone, and it saddens me when I look around, and realize that nine out of every ten people I see have no idea what I am talking about. Anyway, I just wanted to say that. Next time I'll get back to the good stuff. Till then, remember those who came before you. After all, if it wasn't for them, you would be sitting where you are today. Oh by the way, hat's off to Heather's family for making being wonderful and making my trip exactly what I needed... mostly.

JLP

End of an era... My 30th birthday

For those who have known me for the longest, you know I don't tend to make a big deal over things, my birthday included. Maybe it's just my laid back nature, maybe it's just because I save those celebrations for things that truly warrant me going all out. I know to some (I'll mention no names), this seems odd and maybe a little sad.


With that said, (and even though I already have) I would like to thank Heather for going to so much trouble for me today. She didn't have to, but she did, and for that I cannot thank her enough. She orchestrated a trip to the IMAX for Iron Man 2, she made dinner, and dessert (side note: If you've never had Heather's Apple Crisp, you're really missing out. Imagine your favorite thing to eat, and then multiply that by 20. Really, it's that good.). Also, she snuck around town and managed to get me several wonderful gifts. None of things she had to do, except Iron Man. Anyway, thank you Heather, if I'd had any stress over the end of my twenties, (which I didn't) you erased them.

Also, thank you to Alex and Emily for a fun night and free passes to mini-golf. I have no chance of ever winning, but it’ll still be a blast. Of course, thank you Kevin and Brad, I hope you enjoyed IMAX Iron Man all up in your face as much as I did. Finally, to all the birthday greetings, and well wishes everyone sent today, I know I already did once, but thank you all again. Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day Momma. You called me, I win. Good night everyone, and here's to you!

JLP

Dinner Plans