Adventures in LA by the JLP

The JLP's Weekly Update

2012-02-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

Ex-ESPN writer AnthonyFederico released an apology on Monday calling a racial slur he made againstNew York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin, "an honest mistake." Federico wenton to say, “That’s the last time I ask Brett Ratner for help writing an article."

In Tennessee, a bill dubbedthe "Don't Say Gay Bill," passed the state legislature's education subcommitteelast week, which would prohibit the open use of the word "Gay" in allTennessee public schools. Many in the state are worried that if the billpasses, their kids won't know what to call marching band members anymore.

Recent Grammy winnerKevin Mackie has returned to his job at a Pennsylvania supermarketjust a week after his big win. It just goes to show you, Grammys come and go,but a 2 for 1 sale on Grand’s Biscuits won't re-stock itself.

The Republican primaryrace heats up again this week in Arizona highlighted by yet another CNN debate.Though political experts aren't ready to predict a winner, the loser will, once again, beanyone who watches.

A dock workerwas killed in Portland Oregon, this weekend, by falling into a vat of deadly toxic chemicals. Inother news, a study in Portland Oregon has proven that falling into a vat oftoxic chemicals will not make you a real life super hero.

And finally, a Floridawoman is asking for help locating a gun that she lost at a Tallahassee shoppingmall Sunday. The woman says she only carries the gun with her forprotection, just in case "shit goes down" at the Wetzel's Pretzels.

*The JLP’s Daily News iscomedy satire, and should not be taken seriously. No animals were hurt duringthe writing of this article.

New Beginnings - Short Term Season 2 Premier

2012-02-16T08:09:00.000-08:00

C'mon Hostess

2012-01-11T15:53:00.000-08:00

Geez Hostess... All this man wanted was a Twinkie. Don't take that from him. Rule #32: Enjoy the little things

JLP Does Conan Jokes

2012-01-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

Back in December I did a show at iO West in Hollywood for a packet I put together for the TBS talk show "Conan" (hosted by Conan O'Brien). It was my first time on stage and I was very thankful for those who got a chance to come out and support me and see the show, which included my Conan bit, and two sitcom script readings. Other than the fact no one brought drinks, it thought it was a great night. Anyway, I've decided to share my monologue jokes here on my blog, and I would love feedback on them. If I get a big enough response, I will try to post more each week. We'll see. For now enjoy these jokes from the week of November 14th thru the 20th. (the week before Thanksgiving)

Did you guys see that the new Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn," made $140 million in it's opening weekend. $140 million. This got me to thinking maybe, in our current economy, the government should think about a imposing a vampire and glitter tax.

Speaking of the economy, this Friday is Black Friday, and my mom is already making her plans for 12 hours of shopping, spending hundreds of dollars on stuff that no one in my family really wants. Or as my dad likes to call it, "a small price to pay for a little peace and quiet around here."

Anybody here on Facebook? That may be the dumbest question I ever ask. Anyway, Facebook this week found itself the target of internet spammers who were posting pornography on it's users wall feeds. A spoke person for Facebook says they're working to fix the issue and that most of the porn is gone, but in the mean time they were encouraging users to try out their new "Really Like" button.

The US Immigration Services Office says that many illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the poor US job market. Shortly after, the White House released a statement saying, "Hey, we may not have fixed the economy, but it looks like we found a solution the immigration problem."

The economy in Greece has gotten so bad they've basically had to start over with a brand new government. A spokes person for the outgoing administration stated that they just didn't understand how an economy based solely on the export of humus and yogurt could fall apart so fast.

You guys see that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting divorced? Sources close to the couple said that the split is due to the non-stop fighting. Yeah, the source goes on to say, she was tired of Ashton staying out late hanging with his friends, and he was tired of watching re-runs of "Murder She Wrote." You see, because she's older... whatever, you'll get it on the way home.

Finally, This past Friday marked the end of an era as Regis Philbin said goodbye to his long running TV show. When asked how she felt about her former co-hosts retirement, Kathy Lee Gifford responded, " I haven't felt anything for the last fifteen years."

Thanks so much, and please leave any feedback you have below, good or bad.

JLP

Merry Christmas

2011-12-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

Somewhere along the way Christmas became more about spectacle and one-ups-man-ship than being about celebrating the best we, as humans, have to offer. Case in point, pepper spraying people at Walmart for some bullshit "gift" that will end up in the trash or simply forgotten about in 6 months anyway. I wonder what Jesus would say about the commercialization of his birthday. I wonder how he would feel about taking something so holy and sacred and turning it into a day of greed and gluttony. I don't think this is what he would have had in mind at all.

The best Christmas I've ever had was a year that an ice storm cause the power to be out for 4 days. Every one of my gifts was electronic, but I didn't care. It was Christmas at its purest form, and it was really nice. Now days it's all about the latest igadget or whatever else "the man" tells us we need. I can't help but laugh every time I see one of those ridiculous Lexus commercials on TV. Really, who the fuck can afford to give a Lexus? I guess if you can, you're not reading this article. The problem is, as a society, we see that and now we think that's what we must do.

Maybe for once, we can all just be happy with what we have. Be happy that there are people that care about us. Maybe instead of fighting over an Xbox on Black Friday, we should buy a gift or two for Toys for Tots. Maybe take a weekend and volunteer at a homeless shelter. Or, at the very least, pray for each other, and just enjoy what the holidays bring. I haven't been home for Christmas in two years, yet I don't complain, it is what it is...

Enough ranting, it's Christmas after all... In closing (and not that my words will make much of a difference) this year, stop for a moment and remember that Christmas is a time to celebrate peace and love. It's a time when we, as human being, can live up to our potential, even if it's only for a short time. Remember that it's about celebrating the birth of a man who gave up everything for all of us, and never expected anything in return. A man who didn't were a red coat and have a white beard, or pants. A man who would never shop on Black Friday and doesn't care how old your phone is... In short... a man who loves all of us, despite our many faults and forgives us for bastardizing his name every chance we get.

Merry Christmas and God be with you all this holiday season.

Batmobiles

2011-10-17T13:23:00.000-07:00

I have now seen and photographed every Batmobile from TV to the movies. Take a look.

CAP'N CRUNCH VS SOGGIES - THE EPIC 1986 BATTLE

2011-10-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Remember way back in 1986 when the Soggieskidnapped the Cap'n and we had to call in to the hot line for the clues inorder to figure out which door he was behind... only then could he escape.Those were trying times for the Cap'n.

CAP'N CRUNCH VS. SOGGIES: VIDEO 2

2011-10-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

THOSE DAMN SOGGIES!

CAP'N CRUNCH VS SOGGIES VIDEO 1

2011-10-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

YOU GET 'EM CAP'N!

CELEBATRATE NATIONAL CAP'N CRUNCH VS. SOGGIES DAY

2011-10-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

It seems like every day I wake up, look at Facebook or Twitteronly to see that I must celebrate some really trivial thing today. Things like,National Talk Like A Pirate Day (Sept 19th), or National Chicken Wing Day (July29th). The list goes on and on. So I ask, since it appears anyone can declareany day a holiday or day of celebration for any cause or item of theirchoosing. Why can't I declare a day of celebration to remember thosewho came before us; fighting for truth, justice, and crunchy cereal?

That's right, I hereby declare today, October 12th, National Cap'nCrunch Vs Soggies Day. After all, it was Captain Horatio MagellanCrunch how has devoted his entire life to fighting the evil Soggies, amysterious race of evil milk people who set out to "sog up" hiscereal in the 1980's. If not for ourvaliant, albeit Spanish Captain, our morning cereal mightactually soften in milk, as opposed to cutting up the roof of our mouths.

So, here's to you Cap'n… May you go down in history with othergreats of your rank, like: Captains Kirk, Picard, Kangaroo, and Planet. Wehonor you, with this day of days.

Diva Actress - Fad Diets

2011-10-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

Thursday Night At The Improv

2011-09-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

Great night of comedy at the Improv last night. Highlights included the cast of NBC's Free Agents and a musical number between Jeff Ross and John Legend.

A Letter To Hugh Jackman

2011-09-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Hugh Jackman,
I see we still are at this impasse... I want you to follow me on Twitter, and you still haven't followed me on Twitter. I'm not sure what more I have to do. It's not like I'm gonna go single white female on you... right away. I mean, I understand you are a very important man, singing and dancing and clawing your way through life, but Hugh, what's a man without friends. Friends who will let you star in their web series musical and not even make you audition. Trust me, I wouldn't do that for anyone, just ask Patrick Duffy. No Hugh, when I look at you I see a guy who's got his shit together, a guy I could have a drink with, a guy my girlfriend would push me off a cliff for, but most importantly I see a guy who needs to follow me on Twitter. Just think about how much fun we could have.... and no, you can't meet my girlfriend. Till next time, your pal,

JLP

My Review of Moneyball

2011-09-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

So, from the title I suppose you've guessed that I saw "MoneyBall" last week. Let me start this post by saying that I don't normallywrite reviews, and I tend to be very opinionated about films, so my commentarycan be a little strong at times. For this post, however, I will try to keep itas light as possible, in my attempt to tell you about a very solid film.

For those who don't know, Money Ball is a movie based on a book(Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game), which chronicles Oakland A's GMBilly Beane as he tries to rebuild a professional baseball team with a budgetthat is probably actually less than what it cost to produce and promote themovie. It's all based on real events, real players... you get the picture. Anyway,at the surface, it's a movie about the economics of pro baseball, and even Iwas afraid going in that it would be a snoozer. Not so much, it seems,somebody, somewhere remembered at the end of the day, this is a sports movie,and therefore should also be fun and enjoyable. Now for those who read thebook, the movie isn't as much about statistics and scouting, though these arethe very root of the entire film. Instead the movie focuses primarily on Beaneand the A's following their 2001 dismantling due to the fact that they only hadan operating budget of $41 million (compared to the Yankee's $125 million). Muchlike the characters in the film, Money Ball is not a traditional sports film,it's not as much about the baseball on the field (though there is enough ofthat to keep the purists happy) but more about what goes on behind the scenes,in scouting meetings, locker rooms and front offices.

Of course at its root, Money Ball is a love story. It's a storyabout a man who is torn between two loves; the love of his daughter and thelove of a game that has been his entire life. Don't get me wrong, the stuffabout OBP and walks combined with runs per 9 innings and how that equates to winsis very interesting. I think the performances of Philip Seymour Hoffman as ArtHowe and Jonah Hill as the fictional Peter Brand give solid performances,as do Chris Pratt and Stephen Bishop. However, it's the "love story"that seals the deal here. Whether the father/daughter relationship is aHollywood fabrication, or if it's 100% truthful, I have no idea, but the scenesbetween Pitt and Kerris Dorsey, who plays Beane's daughter Casey, aresolid, touching and serve to ground the story in reality.

The subtle beauty of Moneyball

Of course, when you get right to it, this is a baseball movie, andit's Pitt's depiction of Beane's love of the game that really allows this movieto succeed. In some of the best scenes in the movie, Pitt says nothing; hemerely walks the stands of the Oakland Coliseum, strolls through the emptylocker room, or simply lies in the outfield grass. Anyone who has ever played asport, or loved a game so much, it's these little things that get taken forgranted. I know ever fall, I sometimes catch the smell of fresh cut grass on acool day and my mind suddenly has a football flash back. Yes, it's thiscollection of subtle visuals that lift this movie from pedestrian to very good.

I say, if you enjoy a good movie, and want to see somethingentertaining that should not get an Oscar nod, but probably will because of thepeople attached; then check this one out. However, if you are a baseball fan,or just a sports fan in general, this is a must see, the story, the performances,the tone of the subject matter combine making this the most earnest sportsmovie since "Bull Durham," and that's saying something.

JLP

Diva Actress - Type Cast

2011-09-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

Diva Actress - The Process

2011-09-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

A Knight at Medieval Times

2011-08-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

The Best Of Friends

2011-08-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

They say dogs are a man's best friend, and that's no lie. Thereare very few animals in this world as loyal as a dog. In fact, dogs areprobably more loyal than most people. So it's with a heavy and sad heart thattoday I have to say goodbye to a dear friend. No, he's not my dog, he never wasmy responsibility, and sure we never saw eye to eye on everything, but whatfriend does, right? But Swoosh was no ordinary friend or dog, for that matter.

I think humans can learn a lot from dogs, I know I have. I'velearned that sometimes, you’ve just got to take a nap, and it's OK to lick myballs in public, and if poop in the grass, most likely somebody's gonna cleanit up. Not that those aren't all great things, but the most important thingI've learned is that sometimes in life, there are more important things thanyourself, sometimes it's best to make other people happy, and in turn, you'llbe better for it. That's what Swoosh did. I saw it many a time, as Swoosh wouldselflessly curl up next to someone and let them scratch his head or rub hisneck. Oh sure, he's a dog, he loves to get petted, but he knew that one oflife's greatest joys, is to pet a puppy dog.

If you had a chance to know him, you know exactly what I'm talkingabout, and you know there was no better feeling than when he purred like a catwhen you would pet him. I bet, if you ever spent any time with him, what soever, you probably walked away feeling a little better, a little happier.That's what dogs do, and that's what Swoosh did, more so than any other. Nowthe time has come to tell him goodbye. True, it's a sad day when you have tosay goodbye, but it's also a joyous thing to celebrate the life of someone, orsomething so warm and caring. Some will say he's just a dog, and I will counterwith, "there's no such thing." Have you ever owned a dog, have youever looked into their eyes?” They aren't cat's, there's a soul in there, andany person looking can see that. That's why they are man's best friend, becauseif you love them, they will love you back, whole heartedly and withoutprejudice.

I never knew a more loving person or animal in my life, and I'venever seen one loved more in return. I feel honored that I got to know him andlove him, and even though he wasn't my dog, he will always be my friend.

JLP

You Can't Give Yourself A Nickname...

2011-07-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

No, you probably aren't.

If I could describe myself, I would use words like funny, charming, intellectual, and creative. Never once would you see the words, procrastinate, stubborn, impulsive, or impatient, the words I figure most people use to describe me. You see for me, "describing" yourself is about as vain and douchey as giving yourself a nickname. I have had several nicknames in my life, some I like(d) some I hopefully will never hear uttered to me again. They were all given to my by other people though, never of my own device.

Living in Hollywood, and having to be around people that are constantly selling themselves, trying be a 'brand," I guess I should be used to all of this now, but for some reason I'm not. It's something I find I must do myself sometimes. Though I'm always careful to never cross that line, and trust me, it's a fine line. So, I have created a guide to let you know if you are crossing the line, and stepping into the world of being a sell out or just an outright douche.

If you you describe your sense of humor as (insert adjective here), but people just don't get it... Most likely you've chosen poorly. Just because you think you're quirky, or adorable or whatever doesn't mean you are, it just means you want to be. In reality, you could be mean, insensitive, or just plain unfunny and never really know it. Hell, it took me a very long time to learn that my sense of humor is very dry, at least I'm told.
Anytime you give yourself a nickname.
If you go out of your way to call yourself a geek or nerd, you're probably not. I know nerd is cool now, but just because you have an iPhone and like Star Wars, doesn't mean your a nerd. Actually, if you were a nerd, you would have a hacked android phone and know why the Millennium Falcon is so much faster than any other ship in light speed (186,000 miles per second) even though they are all going the same speed.Or you might know the best type of crystal to focus a light saber. (correct answer: Kaiburr crystal).

A real geek owns this rare 1977 Star Wars t-shirt, but never wears it.

If you describe yourself as a "Brand," or in the third person.
You are either a leader of people or you are not. That's just the way it is. You can't learn to lead, you can't be taught to inspire. Just because you are in charge, doesn't mean people will follow you.

Expect this list to grow with future posts, as this is just the tip of a much bigger issue. In fact feel free to comment with your own if you've got them. As for today's lesson... Bottom line, be yourself, and if you're funny, you'll be funny, if you're a leader, you'll lead, and if geek, you'll buy all seven versions of the Blu-ray Star Wars box sets that will be coming out in the next three years.

P.S. this post is not about any one actual person, it's a collection of thoughts I've collected observing many people. So if you get offended by something in this post, I promise, it was not directed at you... though it could mean you probably are a douche.

Short Term - Season 2

2011-06-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

So here we go again. Time for a little creative fun with my pals from Short Term. Short Term, for those of you who don't know, is a web series I created with Heather Horton. Season 1 to my relief, was recieved very well by fans and critics alike. Therefore, in case you didn't know, work on season 2 has begun starting with our successful Indie GoGo campaign. Currently, we are in the middle of the pre-production phase, which currently includes writing the six episodes that will make up the new season. In addition, there are several exciting peices being put in place to ensure that season 2 is the best yet. I know what you're thinking, "Jeff, you gotta tell us something." Of course my answer to that is, "No I don't," but because I'm a nice guy, I'll spill some beans right here and now. I am working very hard to get Hugh Jackman in season 2. I haven't heard back from his people yet, but the way I look at it, that's not a "no." So fingers crossed.
I addition to new cast members, season 2 looks to up the anty on production value, writing, acting and use of dolls, to bring you the best comedy web series out there. I promise, you will not be disappointed.
Keep checking in here, or at www.shortterm.tv to get news and updates.

Hugh Jackman and The JLP

2011-05-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you who follow me on Twitter know, I'm sure you know by now that I have a running joke which involves my "Quest" to get Hugh Jackman to follow me. To date, he is not following me. In fact, I've never even got a reply from him to even say, "Stop spamming me." No it would seem to date that my "quest" is just a one sided joke. Of course that is all it is, a joke (though some may not get the humor in it.) Of course, so many forget how Ellen "stalked" George Clooney for ever on the Warner Brothers lot, and it was all in good fun. All I'm doing are a few mentions and the occasional Follow Friday. Now, I know what you guys are thinking, "Jeff you're a writer, you're eventually gonna meet him anyway." To this I would say, "That is true." As a writer of awesome things, it is inevitable that Hugh Jackman will come to me to write a custom role, one of which will make him the biggest star the world will ever know. It would make him the Oprah of the silver screen. I mean, he'd be bigger that Kevin Costner... If you can believe that.
However, for now, all I have is my little amusement. It keeps me happy, so I don't care what others think. I just want Hugh Jackman to know, it's just a little fun, nothing more. There is just one other thing...

Once upon a time, Lorne Michaels offered the Beatles $3000 to appear on SNL. It was a brilliant move, which almost got the band back together. So Hugh, I offer you a similar deal. I am Co-Producer to a little web series called "Short Term" (www.shortterm.tv) and I am offering you the same deal that he offered the Beatles. Now there were 4 Beatles, and we don't have the budget to give one actor $3000. So this offer... the producers of Short Term will give you, Hugh Jackman, $500 for one line, and a 30 second appearance. Think about... let me know. You know how to reach me.

JLP

Short Term Needs Your Help!

2011-05-17T11:21:00.001-07:00

Help Heather Ho Reach 2000 Twitter Followers and Stop Internet Douchebaggery

2011-04-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dear World,
It has come to my attention that douchebags are taking over the internet. In fact, my own non-scientific, unofficial research shows that 90% of the people who post things online are at least three quarters douche.
What is an internet douche you ask? Well, an internet douche is someone who posts online on sites like Facebook and Twitter and think the more followers they get, the more important they are. Yet, when you look at what they have to say, it's completely inspired, un-original, and/or completely ripped off from someone else. In short, an online hack.

How can I help stop internet douchebaggery? Glad you asked. By following comedians and entertainers like Heather Ho (@heatherhocomedy) you give people who are actually entertaining, and have something to offer society a stronger voice, which drowns out all the white noise caused by douchebags, such as wanna be celebrity bloggers and the like. When you give a real entertainer a platform, only good things can happen.

So join me, and help @heatherhocomedy reach 2000 followers by July 4th, and in turn, help win back the internet for non-douchebags everywhere.
JLP

2011-04-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Short Term is an independently funded web series production. In fact, the entire first season was funded out of the pockets of the creators. The series has already garnered loads of praise leading up to it's official release, thus prompting the decision to green light Season 2. However, this costs money, and that's where you come in...

Equipment rental, crew costs, actors, web hosting, transportation, location fees... (deep breath) These all cost money. By donating, you give us a chance to continue and improve upon what has already been established. With your help, darkly lit corners and muddled audio will become a thing of the past. Not to mention the ability to increase the overall production value of the series tenfold. Just like jobs, people are always going to need a laugh, and with your help, at least we can guarantee there will be plenty of those to go around.

Visit our Indie Go-Go page, http://www.indiegogo.com/shortterm and take around. You'll note that no donation is without reward. In fact there are several levels of donations, with many different reward options. Rewards range from shout outs on Facebook and Twitter, calls from the cast, insider scoops on season 2, autographed posters, and so much more. Oh, and be sure to tell'em Lloyd sent ya for an extra girthy shout out.

So if your excited about season 2, and you're looking for a way to help out, we welcome what ever you can offer. That is unless you're a large company (*cough* Subway) that likes to have your products placed in shows without mercy and are willing to give out sponsorship dollars. Then I say, give us what you got, we have no problem plugging something without reservation like an episode of Chuck. Once again thank you for your time and support.

Now go watch season 1 again.

Short Term Season 2

2011-04-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

As of today, season one of Short Term has finally been released. All six episodes are now online at www.shortterm.tv. The thing is, just because all six episodes are online, doesn't mean that season one is over, in fact one could argue that it's just beginning.

I want to take a moment to thank our brilliant cast and our small but mighty crew for all they did to make season one possible. I specifically want to thank the lovely Heather Horton, the other half of the Short Term brain trust. This was a stellar team, and projects like this cannot succeed without these kinds of people. Now on to business…

Short Term needs your help! That’s right, you. The thing about a web series, you don’t get lead-ins or network advertising to promote your show. Instead, we must rely on you, the folks who watch and enjoy our project. We need for you to tell your friends and family to take a look. Then, we need for you to have their friends and family take a look and so on. Your word of mouth is our best marketing tool, and if you would just ell one person about the show, that would help more than anything else.

However, if you’d like to do more, there’s that option as well. Currently, we are gearing up for season two and look to start production early this summer. For that production, we are looking for donations and sponsorship. If you’d like to help Short Term and want to contribute, below is a link to our Indie Go-Go page. If you’d like to make a donation, even if it’s just a dollar, we would welcome all who’d like to help. Just so you know, if you do donate, it’ll not be without reward. Depending on how much you decide to contribute, the rewards can vary from a phone call from a cast member, to a signed season one poster. There’s even an opportunity to earn an executive producer credit on the series. Regardless of whether or not you can give, check the page out. There’s some really cool stuff on there.

In closing, I want to thank the cast, the crew and the fans for everything over the past few weeks and months. You never know when you start something like this how it will turn out, but I think we’ve got something here, and with your help, season two will be that much better. In the end, this all about the people who watch… the fans and without all of you, this series would never have been made. And for that, take pride in your series, because it is just that… Yours.

JLP

www.shortterm.tv

All Six Episodes of Short Term Season 1 Now Online

2011-04-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Short Term - Episode 5

2011-04-04T07:57:00.001-07:00

Short Term Episode 1 is Out!

2011-03-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

After four months of post, Short Term Season One has been released to the masses. Below is Episode 1. Enjoy!

Summer 2010: A Review

2010-09-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

This is the closest I've been to the beach all summer.

The kids are back in school, the beaches are less crowded and Hollywood is crying over decline in revenue at the box office, yes, it appears that the summer is officially winding down. As I look back, I take notice of a few things from the summer of 2010. First, I still didn't get to the beach. One of the things Heather and I discussed back in April and May was that this year, we had to go to the beach. We did not. Closest I got was being across the street from the beach while eating at Malibu Seafood on July 4th. Though, I will say this, as an east coast person, west coast beaches kinda suck; too many people. Is there anywhere around were you can go to the beach and actually enjoy yourself?

Second thing I noticed, there weren't that many great summer movies, or at least movies I was willing to shell out $15.00 bucks a pop for. Thing is, 90% of all movies this year were remakes, reboots, sequels or based on some other source material. What does this mean? There are no original films being made, at least not during the summer months. The only original idea all summer was Inception, which I still have not seen. (shame on me) That's not to say I've not seen some enjoyable flicks, it's just that if I'm going to spend $50 to go to the movies, it had better be something worth the experience, after all, there are way cheaper ways to entertain these days. (thanks Netflix) There's good news Hollywood, I just happen to know a writer sitting on top of a handful of scripts that are sure goldmine ideas. GOLDMINE! (call me)

Other thoughts: I can't get Direct TV, and that blows. Heather and I saw Al Pacino playing mini golf with one of his kids this past Monday. It was about 85 degrees out, and he was wearing a black suit. As Heather put it, he swung the gold club as if he was chopping down weeds. It was trip to watch, until they decided to bolt.

Also, if you want to be entertained... good news, you don't have to watch a Gladiators fight lions to be entertained anymore. For your Amusement I present www.heatherandjeffshow.blogspot.com/. It's the only place on the internet to get the scoop on the real Heather and Jeff (and Swoosh).

That's all I've got for now, till next time...

JLP

Heather and Jeff Web Series: Episode 3 - Day Off

2010-09-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

Social Media

2010-08-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

When is too much just too much? I'm talking about social media, were everybody can find out what everybody else is doing RIGHT NOW! As a society, when did we get to the point that we had to know everything about everything the moment it happens? Honestly, I think it takes some of the fun and mystery out of things. Not only that, it's slightly narcissistic and potentially dangerous. I'll elaborate.

I feel we now live in a society where everyone wants and needs to be famous. The old saying, "everyone gets 15 minutes of fame," doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. It’s an age when people achieve fame for no reason what so ever, the more followers you get, the more fame you can potentially achieve. When you have thousands of followers, yet you have in no way contributed anything useful to society in any form or fashion, and all you can put on your Twitter is, "I just ate tacos, Mmm Yummy," maybe it's time to rethink your life. I guess it just blows my mind that people who have nothing important to add or say, can suddenly have such a loud voice in the world. (See any Kardashian) It's scary really.

Now don't get me wrong, this is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. I actively use many different forms of Social Media, including the big two, Facebook and Twitter. (Used to be the big three, but no one uses MySpace any more, do they?)Hell, this very page is covered with links to my other sites. Just like everyone else, I use these tools to say really ridiculous things, all in an effort to get people to notice what I am doing. The difference here is I'm trying to be useful. I have a purpose; I have a mission other than I want a million followers. (I do not want a million followers). I am a writer who would like to get paid to write. I'm not a blogger or a journalist, (by the way, bloggers aren't journalists and all blogs should be considered opinion, not fact... this one included) I am a fiction writer. I want to entertain, and not by telling you about the dump I just took. (That is something I really posted this week for the hell of it) So I use these tools to get my name and brand out there, hopefully entertaining as I do it. In a world filled with so much competition, I have to do things of this nature to try and stick out above everyone else.

Notice how I referred to these as tools, and not the only thing that makes me socially relevant in life. Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people. I'm not arguing that. Twitter, well Twitter to me is a little more complex because on one hand, there are reasons why it's useful to have a public text message service, on the other hand... why do I need to know everything a person does every second of the day. It's sad, and I'm sad for doing it. Unfortunately, I must. Then you've got things like four square, another thing I’m guilty of doing. If you ever wanted a stalker, this is the app to use, because they will always know where to find you.

Sorry, this blog is more of me thinking about loud. I guess I just don't see how as a society, we've come to this. I think the internet is a great tool, it finally has allowed everyone to have a voice that can be heard. The only problem is no one really ever has anything to say. Not everyone can be famous, no matter what the programming on MTV, Bravo, and Lifetime make you think. If you want to be a household name, do something... tell a joke, tell a story, save a life, play a sport, change the world, and then, do that better than anyone else and you'll get your moment. Just remember, not everyone can… If they could, then no one would be special, and then what's the point. I guess all I'm saying here is, “when is too much, just too much?”

Now if you'll excuse me I need to proof this blog before I post it on my Facebook and Twitter page. Later...

JLP

Summer Update

2010-08-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since my last blog, and I kind of feel ashamed, after all this blog is about my adventures in LA, and I feel like I've not been very adventurous. I'll need to try harder. I have been working. I was lucky enough to film a web sketch called "Two Girls, One World Cup" for Mike Hatton Entertainment. If you haven't seen it yet, take a peek. (HERE!) Also, check out the changes I've made to the In Rare Form website as well as the changes I'm making to the JLP Films site. If you get a chance, please, check it out.

Some real exciting writing opportunities are coming up in the coming weeks, I'll post more information is it becomes available. Other than that, there’s not much to report on. I saw Dick Van Dyke at the Malibu Arts Festival. I guess Heather had a conversation with him, which was pretty cool. Also, she said she saw David Duchovny and Téa Leoni at the festival. I didn't see them, and honestly, if I had, I probably would have never noticed them.

Unfortunately that's all I got right now, I will leave you with a few images from the last few months. Go Braves!!

JLP

My Thoughts On The World Cup

2010-06-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

With the exception of women's soccer in the 90's, I've never really watched a lot of the sport. So this year's World Cup, though not my first, is the first one I've really ever paid attention to, and I just wanted to take the time to point out a few things that I've noticed so far in group play.

THE US GOT ROBBED: It is true, the US got robbed in what would have been an amazing come from behind victory over the Slovs. However, it is important to point out; the US should have never been that position. As anyone who has ever played sports knows, anyone can win a close game.

THERE ARE A LOT OF DIVA"S IN SOCCER: And you thought American athletes are bad. I have never seen so much internal team fighting in my life. No wonder smaller countries with players you've never heard of are winning upsetting the pot, they play as a team. Soccer Diva's, SHUT UP and play!

TOO MUCH BUZZING: If you've watched a game on TV, you've probably noticed that there seems to be a serious bee problem in South Africa. Every game, no matter which stadium, you can hear them swarming outside. I'm very much concerned for the safety of the people there in South Africa.

I HATE THE FRENCH: Not only did they lose to the Mexicans, but then they scored against the South Africans, preventing them from moving on to the next round, thus, allowing the Mexicans to move on to the next round. Yeah I know, there was a lot of in-house fighting going on with the team, but if you are going to quit, quit.... don't let the Mexicans move on. Do you know how much "Viva la Mexico" crap I've got to hear now? Of course it's no shocker that the French dropped the ball here. That county has a history of under achieving. I've listed my top five list of greatest French defeats.

5) Waterloo - Napoleon's forces lose the decisive battle to the coalition army commanded by the Duke of Wellington, thus putting an end to Napoleon's 100 days return from exile. Maybe had Napoleon stayed out of that phone booth with Bill and Ted, things might have ended differently.

4) World War I

3) The French Men's 2010 football club's performance in the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

2) World War II

1) Lance Armstrong - Much like the Germans, the guy owns the French, and no matter what they do, they can't beat him.

Loss of Glory

2010-06-05T02:35:00.000-07:00

Initially I was going to write about my trip home with Heather last week and how it was nice to finally have a real vacation. However, something happened today that actually saddens me the more I think about it. Today, the great John Wooden died. Understand, I don't use the term loosely, and in my opinion this man's greatness has nothing to day with his unbelievable coaching career. No, John Wooden was a great man for all he did off the court, for the little things he did in everyday life. I am saddened by the fact that the death of this great man symbolizes the end of an era. It's the end of the great generation. These are the men and woman who suffered the great depression, brought in the new deal, and fought and won World War II. This is the generation that despite everything, were willing to sacrifice their lives for something greater than themselves. Men like John Wooden, and my grandfathers represent those people. They had a sense of honor that unfortunately is very rare in today's world. Soon all of these great men and woman will be gone, and it saddens me when I look around, and realize that nine out of every ten people I see have no idea what I am talking about. Anyway, I just wanted to say that. Next time I'll get back to the good stuff. Till then, remember those who came before you. After all, if it wasn't for them, you would be sitting where you are today. Oh by the way, hat's off to Heather's family for making being wonderful and making my trip exactly what I needed... mostly.

JLP

End of an era... My 30th birthday

2010-05-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

For those who have known me for the longest, you know I don't tend to make a big deal over things, my birthday included. Maybe it's just my laid back nature, maybe it's just because I save those celebrations for things that truly warrant me going all out. I know to some (I'll mention no names), this seems odd and maybe a little sad.

With that said, (and even though I already have) I would like to thank Heather for going to so much trouble for me today. She didn't have to, but she did, and for that I cannot thank her enough. She orchestrated a trip to the IMAX for Iron Man 2, she made dinner, and dessert (side note: If you've never had Heather's Apple Crisp, you're really missing out. Imagine your favorite thing to eat, and then multiply that by 20. Really, it's that good.). Also, she snuck around town and managed to get me several wonderful gifts. None of things she had to do, except Iron Man. Anyway, thank you Heather, if I'd had any stress over the end of my twenties, (which I didn't) you erased them.

Also, thank you to Alex and Emily for a fun night and free passes to mini-golf. I have no chance of ever winning, but it’ll still be a blast. Of course, thank you Kevin and Brad, I hope you enjoyed IMAX Iron Man all up in your face as much as I did. Finally, to all the birthday greetings, and well wishes everyone sent today, I know I already did once, but thank you all again. Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day Momma. You called me, I win. Good night everyone, and here's to you!

JLP

Kick- Ass and the movies of 2010

2010-04-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

I saw Kick-Ass yesterday afternoon, and let me tell you, the critics were right. This movie isn't fit for kids. There is some very bad language spoken by a little 11 year old girl. Also, she manages to kill a shit load of people. This movie isn't for kids, and it's awesome. Somehow, parents think a movie that stars kids, or anything based on a comic book is kid friendly. Parents, you're stupid. This is an action movie, one the best I've seen in some time. What happens when re-cast 'Die Hard" with a little girl, you get Kick-Ass. If you love you're action flicks, go see this movie, and see in the theater, it's meant to be shared with a crowd.

This brings me to my next topic today. A good friend of mine told me today that he no longer intends to see movies in theaters because he is tired of spending that much money on a ticket when movies turn out to suck. While I will agree with him on the fact that there seems to be a lot of crap dumped on us by studios, to swear off movies all together, well, that's a little hard to swallow from a man who is a filmmaker. That would be like a musician who didn't like concerts. I guess my thing here is, and this goes not only for him but also for anyone else who enjoys cinema.

Not every movie is meant to be seen in the theater. In fact, I would say that most aren't really worth what you have to pay these days. There are, however, that I feel, must be seen in the theater with a crowd. I'm not old enough to have seen the original Star Wars trilogy when it came out, but I did see the re-release of the special editions, and it was the first true movie event I ever got to experience. Then, of course, came Episodes I, II, and III, and though they, in no way lived up to the hype, I can't imagine not seeing them in the theater with that crowd. Sometimes, even a bad movie must be seen with a crowd. Like Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. (Sorry George Lucas) That Movie was shit, pure shit, but seeing it with that crowd, those folks who like me, wanted to see Dr. Jones in another adventure. We all took that ride together, and you know what, I'm glad I did. Granted I don't acknowledge that movie's existence and will never watch it again.

Now, net ever movie is worth your bucks, and even some that you think maybe, will only let you down. So what qualifies a movie worth it? That's up to you and your tastes, but I have compiled a list of this summer's movies that you have to see, because either they are going to rock your socks off, or they will be colossal failures, either way, it should be fun and seen on the big screen. Anything else is just a gamble.

The Losers - April 23
Iron Man 2 - May 7
Shrek Forever - May 21
The A-Team - June 11
Toy Story 3 - June 18
Inception - July 16
The Other Guys - August 6
The Expendables - August 13
Machete - September 3
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I - November 19
True Grit - December 25

Dinner Plans

2010-04-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

TGIF

2010-04-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

For the last few weeks I've noticed that my Fridays seem to come faster and faster. I've heard that as you get older, time seems to speed up and the next thing you know, months turn into years. Honestly, I agree with that. Even though I'm still in my 20's (be it the twilight of my 20's), I notice each year passes more quickly than the last. So why should I be shocked when I realized my Fridays seem to happen more frequently than they used too. For me while I was like, "Finally, it's Friday," The sky would part, and music would play. Then last week I realized, "I live for Friday." In fact, I would wager that 90% of Americans live for Friday. Sure, Friday kicks off the weekend, but the faster they arrive, the faster time passes and you know what that means. Of course, I know how this happens, you get caught up in the day-to-day grind of life, you wake up, go to work, go home, have dinner, do some work, maybe watch an hour of TV, then it's time for bed... day in and day out. It's defeating. Of course you can do what I've done the past two weeks and try to do as much as possible, barely sleeping and then walk around like a zombie every day. Then I assure you, Friday will never come soon enough.

In other news, Heather drug me to a wonderful show at the iO West Theater last week. I say, "drug," but I was more than happy to go. The show was Beer, Shark, Mice, an improv troupe starring Mike Coleman, Pat Finn, Neil Flynn, Pete Hulne, David Koechner, and Paul Vaillancourt. Yeah, those guys! Anyway, it was a great show, and their last I was told, so if you missed out, sucks to be you. There's not a day that goes by now were Heather doesn't call me, Text me, or in some way communicate the words: "Hey, there's a dead body over here," to me in some fashion.

So any way, Happy Easter everyone (if you choose to celebrate Easter) and have a nice weekend. Oh, keep an eye out... all I can say is Stickers!

JLP

LA Paranormal - That’s right, I’m in demand!

2010-03-26T16:21:00.001-07:00

This week I began work Producing the behind the scenes featurette for the film “LA Paranormal.” So far it’s been an enjoyable experience, and I expect it will continue to be. I’m not sure what I can and can’ say about the film, even though I have not signed any formal disclosure contract, I’ll tell all can, without giving anything away.

LA Paranormal is written and Directed by John Gonzales and stars Mike Hatton, Mathew Temple, Tres Dean, and J.C. Mac. The movie centers around the supernatural investigation team of “LA Paranormal” and their documentary style television show, ala SyFy’s “Ghost Hunters.”

I’ll back on set shooting this weekend and hope to bring you some footage very soon via the interwebs. Until then, stay tuned for more updates.

Also, keep a look out for some new videos with the guys from In Rare Form. I should get a chance to shoot with them again in the coming weeks. Anyway, until next time…

JLP

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH... At Least the Irish Stew

2010-03-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a fun and safe St. Patty's Day. I had the pleasure of hanging out with my In Rare Form friends (and guests) at a place called "Pineapple Hill,” which is the local watering hole/sports bar type place. It was a good time, shared in a couple of drinks, had a few laughs, and ate that damned Irish Stew.

Out of curiosity, I have looked up the LA County Health Department score for Pineapple Hill. It's a 96. Not too bad, right. Actually that's really good. That's why I'm shocked that my post St. Patty's Day has been taken over by Montezuma's Revenge. That's right, you heard me, and that's all I'll say as far as details go. I wasn't the only victim though; there are two other confirmed victims of our Mexican foe. I won't give their names, my way of protecting the innocent. I won't however, protect the guilty. Pineapple Hill, your Irish Stew was poison. You should never serve it again. At this time, I move that anyone who reads this avoid eating at Pineapple Hill @ 4454 Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks less you want to end up like the rest of us. OK, maybe that's a little harsh... just be wary. As for the LA County Health Department, you need to outlaw Irish Stew, unless made by the Irish, or Gordon Ramsey. Even then, you might want to double check it to be sure.

On a separate note, look for some awesome news in the coming weeks about my Involvement in a Indie Film being shot here in LA called "LA Paranormal." Till next time...

JLP

Late Night TV, Where Have You Gone?

2010-03-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Late Night TV is at an all time low with me. Conan has left us, replaced by the infamous and unfunny "Chin." Letterman is, well, he's Letterman. That guy and Paul Shaffer just annoy me.

So I'm left looking for another option. It's like Democrat and Republican. Really there's no good third solution. Tonight, I'm gonna watch Kimmel. Maybe he's got the show that can finally break through. Then tomorrow I'm gonna watch... what's his name, you know the unfunny Mexican guy... George Lopez. Who knows, at this point I might even hit the public access channel to find something. Keep checking back, and by week’s end, I'll tell you who is the "best" in late night.

UPDATED!!

So I watched Kimmel last night. When I looked at him, all I could think was, "this was once the guy on "the Man Show." Then I began to get sad thinking about what Disney (that's who owns ABC guys) does to awesome things. Anyway, I guess it was OK, but I didn't feel satisfied. So tonight, I'll check out George Lopez. We'll see how that goes. Till then, stay tuned.

JLP

Adventures with Homeless

2010-03-12T16:29:00.001-08:00

Here’s an adventure in L.A. for you. So I’m getting some lunch today and for some reason I sit with my back to the door… which I never do. As I’m updating apps on my phone, I hear a voice behind me, “Do you have any money so I can get something to eat?” First of all, I’m having lunch, I don’t like to be bothered by anyone, especially this, second, I don’t carry cash anymore, so I never have any money on me. So I say I don’t have any cash, which they never believe, (Sidebar: I expect the homeless in LA to start carrying credit card machines in the near future) Anyway, No I tell him, no money and expect him to go on his way… but he didn’t. I noticed about a minute later he was still standing behind me. He had a coat or something over his head. It reminded me of a ratty looking Ghost of Christmas Future. Not only that, but this cat didn’t want to be ignored so he started making noises with his mouth. It sounded like he was sucking something from between his teeth. I, however, held strong. I had no intention giving this fool the time of day. Finally after several minutes, he spoke again, this time wanting me to turn around. So I did… mistake. I’m not sure what he said because I was so overwhelmed by the smell of piss. I believe he knew this because he was saying something about soap and baths and putting Nivea on his face. (Sidebar: if he would have asked me for money to buy soap at this time, I would have personally took up a collection) Oh yeah, there was something said about horses. Then he left, which was when I got my first look at him. He was wearing a dress and carrying a purse, which I found to be an odd look for a homeless man. Also, he still had his coat over his head. Maybe he was trying to be a nun or something, or maybe his skin was too delicate, hence the Nivea I guess. Only in LA do you get a cross dressing homeless man worried about his skin.

JLP

iConnect

2010-03-11T23:48:00.001-08:00

Yes, I will shamelessly promote something on the internet. For those of you who haven’t seen it, check out iConnect. Then, stay for “Good Sports,” “GPS,” "Modern Reading,” and if you dare… “Mustache”

Technorati Tags: Jeffery L. Parks,In Rare Form,iConnect,Good Sports,Writing,Sketch,Comedy,Improv

Why are people so uptight?

2010-02-25T19:28:00.001-08:00

Last night I posed a question on Facebook about giving a dog a treat made of bull penis, and whether or not this was appropriate. Granted, it wasn't me giving a dog the bull penis treat, it was someone else. The thing is; it was all a joke, why do I care if a dog eats a bull penis. Anyway, since then, it seems that some people have become offended by my mention of the bull penis treat, and have decided to let me know about it via Facebook, text messaging and email.

Here's the thing, IT"S A BULL PENIS! It's not like I'm talking about a man penis. Gees, it's just a dog eating it anyway. That's better than most things dogs eat. Actually, if you think about it, there could be bull penis in a lot of things we eat on a daily basis. For example, hot dogs, I'm sure are filled with bull penis. Bologna is also probably filled with bull penis. I can't imagine how spam is not filled with bull penis. In China, bull penis is considered a delicacy. Seriously, look it up.

So I guess the point here is, I seem to have maybe offended a few folks with all this talk of the bull penis, and if you read it, I'm sorry... my bad. However, I just want to go on the record that as a writer and entertainer of sorts, I believe that there is nothing wrong with using the term bull penis. In fact, I'll go as far to say I've seen way more offensive things on the Internet besides bull penis. I mean, if I really wanted to offend people I would have come up with something way better than bull penis. I was just making a statement about K-9 dental treats that just happened to be made from 100% bull penis. I guess in the future I'll think twice about using the term bull penis and anything like it. So from now on, I will not say bull penis, I will say bull dick.

JLP

Changes... Sketches... Chachi Arcola...

2010-02-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

So, for those 3 of you who actually go to my website, (www.jlpfilms.com) I'm sure you've noticed that the site basically looks like crap right now. I want to apologize to you for that, but I am in the middle of having the site re-modeled. Once completed, I will let you all know, so you can give me feedback on it. So please, bear with me.

In the mean time, let’s talk shop. I had the privilege of working with In Rare Form again last week. We shot a new sketch video based on their improv comedy, so look for that to hit the inter webs later this week. Once again, I continue to be amazed at how awesome those guys can be. Hopefully, you should see more collaboration with those guys real soon.

You want more celebrity sightings, you got'em. I was having breakfast at Bob's Big Boy in Burbank, when Heather looks up and says, "There's Scott Baio." I turned and sure enough, there he was... and no, he didn't ask me for any Raspberry syrup. He was with his family and true to my code of conduct; I don't bother actors that are out and about unless they are named Patrick Duffy. This is actually the second know actor I've seen at Bob's. A few months back, I ran into Mathew Lillard there as well. Of course Bob's is just across from Warner Brothers and right down from NBC, so I imagine if I went there more often, I would see a lot of different folks.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Keep an eye out for iConnect from In Rare Form; it should be coming to the Youtubes very soon.

JLP

A Year In LA

2010-02-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

So I've made it! (Depending on the time frame you use) I have been in L.A. for a year now. That's an amazing feet if you think about it for a moment. Basically, a year ago, I loaded up my car, and moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew, without any idea where I'd live, no job lined up, and no real plan other than, I knew this was the place I needed to be. To date, at least from the outside looking in, it's been a pretty boring adventure. There have been no swinger’s type moments. I've not been to any crazy Hollywood parties. Well actually, I did attend my first Hollywood party two weeks ago. It was an interesting affair with a lounge act and a vat of black out margaritas. But other than that... I don't have anything awesome to report on.

So I want to take a moment to thank a few people who have made my L.A. experience awesome. First I want to thank Staples Office Supply Superstore, without you I might have found a real job sooner and not spent so much of my savings trying to make ends meet while being completely miserable for 3 months. I would like to thank in and Out Burger for always giving me the runs. Then there's Ralph's (Kroger for those back east) for being so damn close. I would also like to thank EA Active for the Wii for helping me get back into the swing of losing weight. Other's I'd like to thank include: My parents for still talking to me. My car for not dying yet; my former roommates for reminding me why I hate having roommates; McDonalds for the dollar menu; Trader Joe's for making me want to eat healthier; My former roommates for dicking me over as often as they could. Jessie and Mindy Spencer, you guys are great. UCB and Nick Wiger for showing me that sketch writing can be fun despite not being my favorite. All the members of In Rare Form for letting me be part of their family. Cris Aris for giving me swine flu; B&H for giving me a place to spend my money; Heather Horton you're just awesome, and finally LA traffic for making me afraid of little Asian people.

Without all of you, none of this would have been possible!

JLP

Good Sports

2010-01-24T23:12:00.001-08:00

A month ago I was asked by Heather, to help her come up with ideas for 5 video sketches. I felt a lot of pressure because A) I didn’t want to let her down; and B) I wasn’t sure if they would be funny.

Despite my time and training at UCB, this wasn’t a table read, this was going to out there for everyone to see. I worked out the script, and sent it over… positive feedback. There was hope.
So thank you to Jamie for your time and energy (and getting clobbered over and over), I look forward to working with you again. Also, thank you Heather for having the faith in me to be the one to help you with this project. I can’t wait till the next one.
So here it is folks, enjoy it. And keep an eye out, because this is just the beginning .
JLP

Patrick Duffy, IHOP, and Raspberry Syrup

2010-01-09T01:05:00.001-08:00

So I’m sitting at the IHOP at 2 in the morning, when I look up and who do I see walking toward me… Patrick flippin Duffy. That’s right kids, Bobby Ewing. So, I’m eating my Country Fried Steak and Eggs, and he walks up and he’s like, “Can I use your raspberry syrup, mines all out.” So I’m sitting here thinking to myself, "This is Patrick Duffy, this is the only man who could ever stand up to J.R." This is the man who had to suffer through being married to Suzanne Somers for 6 seasons. So he asks me for my syrup so naturally I’m like, “Hell no Patrick Duffy, get your own damn syrup, this is mine.” He looks at me, and he’s like, “Seriously?” and I was like, “Yeah, seriously. Now get on back to your table, I’m trying to eat here.”

What can I say, that was so satisfying. Every so often he would look over at me, and he just seemed so sad, and of course I didn’t even use the raspberry syrup. Who does? That stuff is nasty.

So as I went to pay, I noticed he was staring at me again. So as I signed my Credit card slip, I signed my name on a random piece of paper, walked over to his table and slapped it down in front of him and said, “I noticed you kept staring at me Patrick Duffy. Even though the sign on the door says “No Pictures, No Autographs” I decided to give it to you anyway.” Then I smiled at him, turned back to my friends and walked out. Just think... I just made Patrick Duffy’s night.

JLP

Thoughts from LAX Part 2

2009-12-22T07:48:00.001-08:00

So at least I've been entertained while I've been sitting here. A woman sitting next to me had her little dog with her. Bless the little guy's heart, he was the only person here all morning with a smile on his face. He was going up to everyone trying for a little love and attention. Then he went under one of the seats and found half of a cookie. Jackpot right? I know. Lucky dog. Of course this sent his owner into action to get the cookie away, which she did. However, she would touch it to through it away. This set off a 15 minute contest to see how many bites of this cookie the little guy could steal. By the time she put him in his little puppy purse, he was looking pretty full.

In case I didn't say before, get to the airport early. You wouldn't believe the amount of people running to catch their flight. You would figure they would learn. I got here early enough that I've gone through security twice. Don't ask.

Anyway, that's it from LAX, see you in Nashville.

JLP

Thoughts from LAX

2009-12-22T06:33:00.001-08:00

Nothing says Christmas like standing in line at the airport, and nothing says airport like standing in line surrounded by the aroma of bad breath and body peer. Seriously people, just because you're on an early flight doesn't mean there's no reason to take a shower, or take a mint. I have mints, I'll give you one.

So since I've been here, I've made an observation about our airport security. First, for you travelers out there, shoes go on the belt this holiday season, not in the tray. Second, why put ropes up if your just gonna let everyone go under them. If you are wearing any sort of camouflage, you go to the front of the line, military or not. I just watched as a Middle Eastern looking gentleman was searched and wanded for about 20 minutes. He looked pissed and I don't blame him, he didn't even get a cigarette after.

For all you travelers out there be prepared this holiday season and arrive early for your flight. I got to LAX at 5 am so there were only 2000 people in the southwest terminal rather than the 5000 that are normally here.

Oh well, that's all for now. Happy Holidays everyone, and good luck out there.

JLP

Merry Christmas from L.A.

2009-12-13T23:40:00.001-08:00

A funny thing happened this year. I found my Christmas spirit again. I'm not sure where I had lost it, but I know it's been gone for about five or six years now. I think years of commercialism and watching people who don't really know what Christmas is about, I think that almost ruined it for me. All people seem to care about are gifts... what am I getting for Christmas? The spirit of the season has gotten lost in the 4 billion Wal-Mart and Target commercials on the TV. Not to mention Macy's and every Jewelry store known to man. My mother asked me today what I wanted for Christmas. She says I'm too hard to shop for. The thing is, I'm not hard to shop for, I just don't want, nor will I request a Christmas gift. If you want to get me a gift, it should come from the heart. I don't expect a gift, so I will not request one. I do however, love to give gifts. It's a good feeling to give, knowing you've done something to make some else a little happier. It doesn’t have to even be someone you know. Just knowing you've helped someone in some way. After all, isn't that what the season is really about... Hope.

OK, so I'll get off my soap box now and leave you with this... Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, or whatever applies to each and everyone. This includes my family, friends, significant other, the random person I met at the store, anyone who I may have wronged and may actually hate me, people who have wronged me, to those I don't know, and those I'll never meet, the rich, the poor, to the young, and to the old. Tis' the Season for good tidings and cheer, and I wish the best to you all, and may peace and love be with you.
JLP

LORENZO VON MATTERHORN

2009-11-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

So, for those of you who watch "How I Met Your Mother," you know what the name Lorenzo Von Matterhorn refers to, and for those of you who don't... that's for the best. So what does this mean? Well today I assisted a friend and college in setting up his own Lorenzo Von Matterhorn scheme. No this is not illegal, but it is highly immoral. OK, so for those of you with no idea what I'm talking about. the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is a pick up move that a man uses on a woman. It involves making her think he's rich/famous/all of the above, then having a set of websites that confirm the elaborate story you've just told. Of course the name Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is now too recognizable and a new name had to be chosen, and no I can not give that name for fear it would ruin his chances of success. See here's the thing, I'm in no way in favor of lying or game playing to pick up the opposite sex. I am, however, extremely curious to see if this can work. At the very best, it could be the greatest crash and burn story ever. Either way, I'll keep you posted.

JLP

My First LA Murder

2009-11-12T09:55:00.000-08:00

So I got to experience my first murder in LA today. No, it's not what you think, I was not directly involved. It did cause quite a headache trying to park this morning. As I turned onto Cochran Street I noticed a CBS van in front of my office. As I drove down further, I noticed the rest of the street had been taped off and I couldn't get to the parking lot because, well ever news station in LA had set up shop in the street. Plus, there were about three medical examiner's cars in the way. Of course this was all about a hundred yards from my office.

I know, I know... what happened Jeff? Honestly, all I can tell you is what the news guy told me. It seems a woman in police protective custody was stabbed to death with cops literally a few feet away. The murder snuck into the woman's apartment while the cops were sitting outside in their car. When they finally realized what was happening, they shot the suspect dead. The woman, however, died of her wounds. http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-mid-city-ois,0,517517.story

To me this raises the question, "was it really that bad?" I mean I've had my share of bad relationships. I've even dated a few crazies in my time. But I've never thought, "I wanna climb into your bathroom window from the roof, so I can stab you." Anyway, so I've gotten robbery and murder out of the way. Hopefully that's it for a while.

In other news, I spent last night enjoying improv comedy at the Comedy Store on Sunset. For those of you who were there, you know what I'm talking about, for those of you who were not (and live in LA) you should really check these guys out. It's well worth your time. Visit www.laconnectioncomedy.com and www.inrareformcomedy.com for more information.

So that's all I got for today. For you Road Home fans, looks like the DVD should be available this holiday season. Can you say "Stocking Stuffer." I'll keep you informed. Until next time.

JLP

Long Live Franken Berry

2009-11-11T14:50:00.000-08:00

Too long has the mainstream media kept a brilliant man and cereal like Franken Berry down. Sure, he doesn't have the market ability of Count Chocula, are the attractiveness of a Boo Berry. In fact, Franken Berry is really a chud (look at that forehead). What he does have is a delicious and unique cereal. Seriously, who else has strawberry flavored cereal. And if you were lucky enough to be alive in the 70's, it might have even turned your skin pink. I know Chocula is, well chocolate and he's a vampire. Lets face it, thanks to those douchey Twilight losers, vampires are the all the rage right now. All I'm asking is where's the heart? Just because because he's not as sexy as a vampire, or cute like a ghost, he gets treated like Lennie Smalls. Kill one young, attractive woman, whatever. I say Franken Berry is the man, and if anyone has a beef with that, they can go eat some over hyped Count Chocula and the Strawberry goodness to the rest of us.

JLP

Knott’s Scary Farm

2009-10-29T23:53:00.001-07:00

Sorry folks, no story today. I had a trip to Knott’s Scary (Berry) Farm. It was cool, reminded me of the good ole days of Opryland. Why have you forsaken me Opryland, why? I guess tomorrow I’ll cook up something extra special for you all.

JLP

Omens

2009-10-28T21:52:00.001-07:00

My Mom’s side of the family all comes from the Crossville area and a little place called Pleasant Hill. My other grandfather has many stories from the Cumberland Plateau. One he used to tell I’ve actually heard from several members of my family.

He was around eight or nine years old, and the area was completely rural. This was still the 1930s and most of the men in this area worked in a nearby mine. Every day, a wagon would come around, and all of the men would get on the wagon and it would take them to the mine for work. Side note: It seems rural 1930s had better public transportation and ideas on car pooling then we do now. I swear the human race is de-evolving. Anyway, as the story is told, one afternoon, my great aunt heard the wagon returning from the mine early. However, when she looked outside, there was nothing there. A few hours later the wagon came, and so the chalked it up as maybe she was hearing things, but the next day, the same thing happened. She heard the wagon come down the road, bit when she looked outside, nothing. This time she became scared, and later that night, when her husband finally returned, she met him at the door crying. He assured her that it was nothing, and that everything was fine, but sure enough, the next day, she heard the wagon again. Almost too afraid to open the door, she worked up the courage to look outside. This time, however, she was shocked to see that the wagon was actually outside. The driver ran up to her, there had been a cave in at the mine, and her husband had been killed. As she approached the wagon, she saw his lifeless body lying in the back. To her dying day, she said she knew something bad was going to happen, and lived with the guilt of doing nothing.

Throughout the south, there are many ghosts that appear as omens, just before something happens. In west Tennessee there is tell of a white dog that appears just before bad luck befalls the person who saw the dog. In the South Carolina Town of Pawleys Island, usually before a Hurricane, the ghost known as the Gray Man appears to warn people to flee to safety.

The Gray Man is said to be the ghost of a young man who was returning home after being away from his fiancée for several months. Arriving by ship in Charleston, and then traveling north to Georgetown, his stage stopped for the night at an inn. Knowing that he was only a few miles from his love, the man acquired a horse and set off into the night hoping to make it home before morning. However, his eagerness misguided him as he some strayed from the road to try a short cut through the marsh. It was here the young man’s horse fell into quicksand, killing both horse and rider.

Devastated by the death of her love, the young woman took to walking the beach in an attempt to cope with her broken heart. One summer day, a man dressed in all in gray, approached her on the beach. She immediately recognized him as her dead fiancée. He told her that she was in danger and needed to leave the island, and then he vanished. The young woman and her family soon fled to the mainland. That night, a hurricane hit the coast, nearly destroying everything on the island. The family home of the young woman, however, was spared.

The first recorded sighting of the Gray Man was in 1822, days before a hurricane hit Charleston, killing over 300 people. In 1893 the Gray Man appeared to the family living in the home of his former fiancée. The family fled the island, days later the Sea Islands Hurricane hit, killing around 1,500 people. In 1954, he appeared again to a couple honeymooning on the island. He warned them to leave the island. Soon after, hurricane Hazel struck, killing 95 people. In 1989, he appeared again, just in time to warn a family just two days before hurricane Hugo struck killing 76 people and causing $10 billion in damage. When seen, the Gray Man is seen, the homes of those who have seen him, are spared.

JLP

Browington and the Wampus Cat

2009-10-26T16:56:00.001-07:00

My dad’s side of the family has long been settled in the community known as Browington Tennessee. In fact, if you drive through, you’ll notice the Parks name on lots of roads. Several legends and stories come from this area. One of which is the Marble Plains Baptist Church. The Church, which is only yards from the entrance to the Tim’s Ford State Park, is the source to one of the most horrific stories I’ve heard, and it’s true.

In the early 1900s, during a Sunday service, a man named Dwight Denkins decided he had had enough of being the community outcast. He barricaded the front doors and boarded up the back doors. He then proceeded to see the church on fire. Due to the fact that the widows were too high off of the ground, and the doors were sealed shut, everyone burned alive.

Now of course, this is a terrible story. However, that’s not the end of it. The church was rebuilt exactly as it had been; on the exact same spot it was located before the fire.

If that weren’t enough, years later, the church was remodeled. A new entrance was added and a large kitchen was constructed on the back of the church. The only problem, there was nowhere to add these additions as the cemetery was too close to the church. So, in a move worthy of the movie Poltergeist, the additions were built on top of the graves. Supposedly some of the graves were moved, however, you can clearly see old headstone built into the foundation of the kitchen attached to the back of the church.

The Browington area is also the location for the story my grandfather told me about the time he, his brother, and a man named Carol Lewis were in the woods Raccoon hunting. Avid hunters, the men had been on this same hunt dozens of times. Of course like all of these hunting trips, at some point in the night, there is a lull of sorts when the dogs are off doing their thing. It’s at this point that my grandfather and his cohorts decide to sit, and have a drink. On this particular night, they didn’t get the chance. No sooner than they sat down, they heard the dogs barking wildly, and then they heard the dogs running toward them. As the dogs sped past without stopping, they heard something else. It was much louder and bigger than a dog, and was moving through the trees and the brush very fast, much faster than the dogs. Suddenly a terrible odor filled the air as whatever has coming toward them let out what has been described to me as a “very unnatural growl.” Without another thought, the three men were off running back toward their truck. Behind them, whatever it was was getting closer. Finally, they got to the truck, climbed inside and locked the doors. Minutes later, the creature arrived and began climbing on the truck shaking and clawing it violently. After a while, whatever it was gave up, and went on its way. The men stayed in the truck till sun up.

The next morning, they climbed out of the truck to find the vehicle covered in deep claw marks. The terrible smell lingered also. Around the truck were tracks left by the animal. It appeared from the tracks that whatever it was, it stood upright, and only had three toes or claws. The claw marks on the truck also showed only three claws. Under the truck, the men found there dogs, too scared to come out, but otherwise unharmed. To this day, ask my grandfather what attacked them that night, the only words from his mouth are, “Catty Wampus.”

The “Catty Wampus” or “Wampus Cat” as it is more commonly known by is a creature of legend in Tennessee and around the southern states. Said to be a creature from Cherokee Indian lore, there are tons of reported incidents that have been blamed on the creature.

JLP

The Witches Grave

2009-10-25T20:53:00.001-07:00

Growing up in Lynchburg, you get to hear and experience a lot of unusual things. I personally have never seen a ghost, or anything I have ever perceived to be a ghost. My older brother on the other hand, has seen a lot of strange things on several occasions, like the shadowy figure that floated through the bedroom and closed the door on him at my grandmother’s house. Someone once told me that certain people are more in tune to see these kinds of things. I do believe in ghosts, and for most of my adolescent life I had heard of one in particular in the neighboring town of Tullahoma. Off of Highway 55, behind the National Guard Armory lies People’s Cemetery.

It is here that the “Witches Grave” is supposed lie. All of my friends in Middle and High School would tell me how they would go there and walk around grave and chant her name and crazy things would happen. I’ve heard of cars starting on their own, crazy lights and orbs chasing people from the area, the wind swirling up and blowing so hard that people could stay standing. Once again, I’ve never seen any of things and I had never actually seen the witch’s grave until my third year of college. It was this year that I was writing for the school paper and decided to write an article about ghosts and legends across the state. Of course, being the good little anthropology student that I was, I had to do some research. So one weekend, while I was home from school I decided to visit the witch’s grave.

I knew I had found it immediately. It was a three foot tall stone pillar with two smaller grave stones on each side. Candles had been burned on the grave stones and it was obvious lots of people had visited the site due to the amount of wear around the area. I spent about an hour at the location waiting for something to happen, but of course I got nothing. So like the true man of science I am, I decided to go to the local library and see if I could dig up any information on both the legend and the facts of the witch’s grave.

I learned legend said that the grave belonged to a woman named Kitty Kathy, and she was said to be a witch who lived near Normandy in an old shack. It was said she was responsible for a string of missing children that plagued the area in the 1960s. When she died, she was buried at People’s Cemetery and her old shack was torn down. The grave draws a cult following of pagans and wiccans who are said to perform séances on the grave.

The only facts I was able to gather showed the set of stones belonged to a Romanian Family who moved to the area in the 1890s. The person known as Kitty Kathy, her grave is actually one of the smaller stones and there is no evidence that anyone buried there was ever a witch. However, I did find strong evidence that they may have been gypsies that immigrated to the area before the turn of the century to avoid persecution.

So no proof either way... I have been to the grave site once since, a couple of years ago and the large pillar has been torn down and stolen or thrown away. The used candles and coins were still there, telling me that the witch’s grave appears to still be business as usual. For me, if I were in Tullahoma, I would travel a bit further down Highway 55 to Concord Cemetery to visit the grave site of Sadie Baker, whose ghost is one of the state's oldest known, and has been seen on many occasions sitting at her headstone playing with her dolls. Until next time…

JLP

Ghost Stories

2009-10-25T18:12:00.001-07:00

I was watching Paranormal Activity last night and it got me thinking about ghost stories. Growing up in the south, especially in my family, one thing you learn very early in life are ghost stories. I thank both of my grandfathers for this gift, and have decided this Halloween to pass some of these stories on to you.

Most Ghost stories in Tennessee are well know, the Bell Witch, the Chapel Hill Train and tons of others. Today, I want to tell you a story my grandfather told me. It seems one night, coming home from coon hunting (which is my grandfather's way of saying he got drunk), my grandfather decided to take a short cut through Duboise Hollow just south of Huntland Tennessee on the Alabama side of the state line. It was 1957, and at this time no one lived in the Hollow, the road was only cut through by loggers who had been working the area. It was very late, and though he wasn't sure of the time as he didn't have a watch. As he drove down the old gravel road, he saw someone walking ahead, in the distance. At first, he thought he was seeing things, after all, he was extremely tired, and who would be walking out here at that hour. As he got closer, he realized that not only was he not seeing things, but also it was a woman. He described her as being in her twenties and very pretty. He said she was wearing a fancy blue dress and looked like maybe she had been to a party or something. Of course being a good Christian man, he decided to see if she needed help, so he stopped, opened the passenger side door to his 1952 Chevy pick-up and asked her if she needed a ride. Without saying anything she climbed in and closed the door. Now something else my grandfather told me was that she was very pale, and shivered like she was ice cold. This was odd to him because it was the middle of June. He turned on the heat for her and tried to ask her is she was alright, but he got no response. Finally, as he neared the end of the road, were it reconnects with highway 65, he said she began to shake. as he got closer to the highway, she began to scream, louder and louder until finally, his wheels hit the black top. Then she was gone. Of course, the language my grandfather uses to tell that last part, isn't really fit for this story, so I'll just say, that I don't think he was making it up.

Years later, they started to build houses up the hollow and the gravel road got a blacktop face lift, a body was found. It was the skeletal remains of a woman. In the shallow grave were the body was found, was remains of blue silky fabric. The Alabama State Police labeled her "the lady in the blue dress" and her identity was never discovered. Forensic evidence led them to believe that the body had been there since at least the early to mid 1950s. As for my grandfather, there was never a doubt in his mind that the lady in the blue dress was his passenger that late night in June 1957.

JLP

A Day with Swine Flu

2009-10-15T09:28:00.001-07:00

So it seems I’ve been sent home for being sick and fear that it could potentially be H1N1. Lets back up. So Monday, one of the guys I work with came in and was really sick. He said he had a sinus infection. So, he doesn’t come in the next two days, so we all think that’s a pretty bad sinus infection. Anyway, in the mean time, yesterday I develop a slight cough, nothing major considering I slept with the window open the night before. Of course, by the time I got to work this morning, I get that flushed feeling, and the cough seems to be getting worse. Then I’m in formed that the guy who’s been sick, actually has the flu, and possibly H1N1 due to the fact that his nieces and nephews due in fact have it, and he was visiting them on Sunday. Oh, by the way, I think that actually makes me the fourth or fifth person sick this week. All with flu like symptoms.

News from LA. Not much to report. I’ve been writing on a collaboration project. Since it’s a collaboration, I of course can’t give details or comments without all parties involved saying I can. And why would I really, aren’t some things better off as surprises.

So that’s all for this edition, but maybe next time I’ll have some great Halloween mischief to talk about. For now, I’m off to find a doctor.

JLP

A night at “The Room”

2009-09-27T22:40:00.001-07:00

So, I have now seen the worst movie ever made. The thing is, as a man early in my film career, I’ve seen some really bad stuff. However, none of it can top what I saw last night. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself… lets step back.

The movie is called “The Room,” and for any one not living in LA, you may have never heard of it. Anyway, for months now, my roommate, Flippo, has been trying to recruit me into his little crew of loyal Room fans. You see, the movie is so bad, it has a cult following. Every Saturday of every month, at the Sunset 5 in Hollywood, all five theaters show the movie. And it sells out… every month. It seems to have become an event really. The crowd gathers more than an hour before the start, looking forward to the event, which features a Q&A with writer/director/star (if he can be considered any of these) Tommy Wiseau. Some how this guy takes it all serious, which I guess adds to the love the followers of this movie have.

Anyway, so I was fortunate enough to witness this unusual event, and though I truly find the movie and the man an sad joke. I do think the event and it’s followers are brilliant. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, I won’t say anymore, just if you get a chance to to see it… do it. For those of you not in LA, you should still see it, but it’s way better at the Sunset 5, so maybe you should plan your next vacation around having a spoon throwing, neck pulsing, carb eating good time.

Check out The Room at http://www.theroommovie.com/

JLP

Heather’s Birthday

2009-09-21T22:34:00.001-07:00

View Full Album

Another Month goes by in LA. And of course, better late than never… Heather’s Birthday! It was fun, I don’t like to brag. Anyway, what adventures have I been up to? Well, I’ve been writing, writing, writing. Actually, I wish I could have gotten more writing done, but life seems to find away of interfering with that. I did however, meet some interesting people at a workshop. I don’t know if it will amount to much, but it’s a start.

So what projects have I been working on? Well, I have the brand new version of “Her Story” that I’m looking forward to getting proof read by the end of this week or maybe next. I am about five pages into a project I have started with Heather, and then there’s the Super Top Secret thing I’ve been working on. Not as much as I’d like, but I have started it. Don’t expect anything for a few months if not longer. Then there is the sketch piece I’ve been working on. I call it “Youtube Wars,” and it will be the next installment from the 12A Boys. Look for it on Youtube sometime this October.

Time for your star watch update. That is if Andy Dick and Mathew Lillard are considered stars. Heather and I saw Andy Dick at Wasabee at Universal several weeks ago, and I actually saw Mathew Lillard twice in two weeks. The guy is stalking me, and who can blame him…

So that’s all I got for this time out. I’m Sure there’s more, but I’m tired so deal with it. Till next time,

JLP

August: The Month of the Comedy Show

2009-08-15T02:19:00.001-07:00

So I have a new found respect for my girlfriend (who by the way, is a stand up comedian.) In the past 3 weeks, she has had 8 shows. Now understand I have missed one show since December, so it’s not like I don’t go to these things. However, since I now get up at 5:30 in the morning, the same time that she gets up, I understand not going to bed till like one in the morning can do to you. So hat’s off to her for what she’s been doing for five years.

Speaking of comedy… if you’re on Facebook, you should check out In Rare Form, the awesome improv group that performs every Friday night at the LA Connection Comedy Theatre.

As for LA Adventure, well I did see my first transvestite hooker in Hollywood a couple of weeks ago. By the way, if your a dude, and you want to wear a micro mini skirt, tape your balls up, so that they don’t hang out. Trust me, you’re doing us all a favor.

Also, I was lucky enough to attend the AFI Screening of Funny People with a Director Jude Apatow on hand for a Q and A afterword. I don’t understand the negative reaction people seem to be having toward this movie. It’s an awesome film. It’s not quite 40 Year Old Virgin, but it’s better than Knocked Up.

Star sightings: the most common famous person I seem to run into would be Scott Krinsky , who plays Jeff on the TV show Chuck. This guy has been out making the comedy club rounds, doing a lot of stand up.

Not much more to add this time out, but check in next time for the Heather Horton Birthday Edition. Also, if you’ve not seen it, check out The Cowboy Movie on youtube.

JLP

Welcome

2009-06-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, then you've taken an interest in what I've got going on in LA, so thank you. Anyway... I'm not a blogger, never have been, never will be, but it seems to be the the way to go in self promotion these days. So for those of you that care, I've now been a Los Angeles resident for around six months. You wonder, what exciting things have you gotten into? Nothing. Nothing exciting happens. It's not Swingers, it's a lot of work. It's all I do. But enough bitching for now. Thanks for reading, I'll have more when and if something worth writing about happens.

JLP